Unguarded Love

43-I'm An Idiot

Persephone

The moment I walk through the door of my dorm Peyton is pulling me in for a hug. 

"How did you know?" I ask, trying to pull away but she just hugs me tighter. 

All I really want to do is get a banana split and rewatch Mamma Mia until I can't cry anymore. 

"Phoenix texted." She tells me, "He's an idiot for letting you slip through is fingers again."

I shake my head, "I'm not letting him go."

Now she pulls away and stares at me dumbfounded.

"Huh?"

I unzip my jacket and throw on my desk chair. 

"You're right, he is an idiot." I say, trying to keep the tears at bay. I might not be letting him go but his words still hold weight on my heart. 

"But he's still Asa. I'm not stupid I know whatever his mom said to him shook him up and he went to his first instincts which are to run, to throw his guard up and push people away. I'll give him his space but that doesn't mean I'm done."

I love Asa too much to throw it all away because of the ideas other have put into his head. He gives his parents too much weight to their words and actions which I can understand but I want him to move on from. 

I can love him but if he can't love himself this will never go anywhere, I can see that. He needs to pick his future over his past and I can't help him with that, he needs to do it all on his own. 

"You're better than I am." She says and that makes me full on laugh. 

"What?"

I hold my finger up, "That was a good one."

"What is wrong with you? Did Asa break you or something?"

This girl.

"I love you babe but real truth Brendan treats you like trash and you continue to allow him to do so. If anyone is the better person when it comes to relationships its you." I admit and she sighs. 

"I know." She sits down on her bed and I sit down beside her. 

"I feel like we're worlds apart now and because of that it's like the smoke has cleared, "She tells me, "And now I'm left trying to figure out what I am going to do."

I shrug, "I think the answer is pretty obvious."

Break up with Brendan Gack, duh. 

She swats my arm, "You remember what he was like."

"Yeah in middle school." I tell her, "He hasn't been a good boyfriend or a good friend in years."

It's the hard truth and I can see it hitting her, so she decides to deflect. 

"So what are your plans, like are you just going to wait around for him or go talk to him?"

I allow her this because her time will come when she has to deal with Brendan, especially because of the Phoenix problem. 

I vote she breaks up with Brendan and gets with Phoenix. 

"Well we still broke up and I will be crying and watching Mamma Mia." I say and she nods in understand, "I'll order us both banana splits."

See she gets it. 

"But I need Asa to come to me this time. He's always the one running away but I want him to be the one that chases me. I want him to be unguarded when he finally decides to come back."

She smiles, "He'll come back."

I know. 

* * * 

I get a text from my dad the next day letting me know Asa went and saw him. 

He told me to take it easy on Asa but also give him hell. A little confusing but I understood what he meant. 

I wouldn't make this easy on Asa because at the end of the day he did hurt me. He promised he wouldn't push me away again and then yet he did it... again. 

I need him to understand that in order for us to work he needs to be as open with me as I am with him. No more hiding and keeping things bottled up. 

I'm prepared when Asa comes knocking on my door but what I'm not prepared for is the determination on his face. 

He's here to right his wrongs and I'm here to let him do so. 

"Asa." I greet and he runs a hand through his dark hair, "Can I come in?"

I let him pass before shutting the door and following him inside. 

Peyton is out today and I already gave her a heads up that he probably would be here so she said she planned to spend the night at Brendan's anyways. 

I really don't know why she keeps him around. 

"I want to start off by telling you that you're right." He says and I refrain from saying obviously. 

I have no clue what I am right about but I'm sure he isn't wrong about me being right. 

"I was a coward and you didn't deserve what I said." He sighs and it takes everything in me not to go up to him and hug him, tell him we're ok and to... well... just be there for him. 

I can see him struggling right now but he needs to do this, I can't hold his hand. 

"You are the best thing that has happened to me, Percy and I fucked it up again. I allowed my mom to convince me of what I thought I knew in the back of my head but I was wrong."

"What did she say?" I can't stop myself from asking. It had to be bad for him to come back this way. 

He visibly swallows before looking at the ground. Then he tells me it all and I try to not cry or make a sound. 

The hardest pill to swallow was hearing about how his own mom prayed he would never fall in love. How terrible of a mom do you have to be to project your own problems onto your kid?

I've never met the woman and I hope to the Gods I never do. She doesn't deserve Asa as a son. 

I know, I've seen, how much time he spends guilty over leaving her with his step dad but she couldn't even acknowledge it because she was stuck in her own past. 

Instead of seeing her amazing son and what he's done all she sees is her failed marriage and her husband leaving her. 

It wasn't fair to Asa. 

"You know thats not true right?" I ask him, "You deserve not only to love but to be loved. Asa you making loving you so easy." I admit. 

Walking over I grab his hand in mine, needing to feel him in some way. Needing that physical contact.

Asa squeezes my hand, "I'm an idiot, Percy." He tells me, "I love you and all I want is to be with you and I know I fucked it up again but I'm begging you to forgive me."

Then the idiot gets down on his knees in front of me, "Please forgive me. I talked to Ridge and I think it's time I go to therapy to talk out all my issues with my family and I talked to your dad and told him everything. I want to be unguarded with you, if you let me."

The sincerity in his eyes has me caving. 

"Of course." I say and he stands, pulling me in for a heart stopping kiss. 

"But if you ever pull that shit again I will find someone to beat your ass." I tell him, "All I need is your unguarded love, Asa. I don't expect you to be perfect, we'll have our ups and downs just don't walk away again."

He nods, "I promise baby, never again."

The conviction in his voice makes me smile. 

We'll be alright, I know we will. 

It might not be easy but it's worth it. Asa is worth it to me and as long as he's trying so am I. 

I love the idiot and there is no doubt in my mind he loves me too.