Unguarded Love

31-I'm Happy

Persephone

I've been thinking and I know I need to talk to my dad about everything. 

With the past weekend being so busy I haven't had a chance but I know it's just pushing off the inevitable. 

This morning I woke up and knew today had to be the day. 

I had to go to the elementary school today and do my hours there before I could go anywhere. 

I was working on autopilot. Answering the kids questions without second thought and passing and picking up papers the same way as well. 

After the school day was done I did something I haven't done in years, I visited moms grave. 

I took an uber out there and the moment I read her name on the grave stone my legs gave out and I sat down. 

"Mom, I miss you." I start. I think it's a good place to start. 

"I don't think there will ever be a day when I don't miss you. I have so much to tell you."

I scoot closer. I wasn't just here to talk about dad or Janet but I found myself wanting to tell her about Asa as well. 

I remember when I had my first boyfriend at twelve, or whatever the definition of a boyfriend was when you both just hitting puberty. 

Our breakup wasn't even bad but I was devastated and I ended up crying in my moms bed. 

I remember her wiping my tears and telling me that it was ok to cry now but not to give up, that one day I would meet the one. 

When I asked her if dad was her one she just smiled. It was a wistful kind of smile and I knew she was thinking back on memories of her and dad. 

"I think I found him, mom." I tell her. "He's so amazing and I just wish-" My words get caught in my voice as my eyes begin to water. 

"I wish you could've met him." A sad smile plays on my face, "I know you would've loved him, it's hard not to." Then a laugh escapes me, "Unless your dad."

"I don't think I will ever understand him, dad I mean. I want to so bad, I want to see in him whatever you did. Whatever Janet sees in him."

Tucking a piece of hair behind my ear I sigh, "You'd like Janet too, I think in another life you would've been friends." I tell her. 

I really meant it. My mom had that natural maternal instinct that went beyond just her own daughter. Peyton was basically her daughter in everything but blood. It's the same with Janet. 

I see the way she's a mom to more than just Miles but Asa, Phoenix and the rest of the team. Even to me. 

She'll never replace my mom but I'm glad to have her in my life with her cookies and sweet smiles. 

"I'm going to talk to dad today and actually listen to what he has to say." Laughing I wipe the tears from my eyes, "I guess I really am just as stubborn as him."

Days like this I really wish she were here. She would know the right thing to say to not only my me but dad too. I guess now it's on us to figure things out on our own. 

"I love you and I miss you so much. I'm sorry I haven't been here that much, I'll start doing better." I kiss the top of her headstone before walking away and ordering an uber to take me back. 

Then I text my dad and ask if he's at his apartment. I know because of Asa that they didn't have practice today. 

He responds fairly quick letting me know he is so when the uber gets her I have them go to my dads place.