Unguarded Love

39-Lovin' On You

Persephone

Ever since the wedding those three little words have been a heavy weight on the tip of my tongue. 

For some reason I haven't found that perfect opportunity to tell him and I'm starting to think that perfect moment won't actually come and I just have to tell him. 

Peyton keeps telling me that the right moment is the moment I decide to say it. 

I then told her that was the cheesiest thing that had ever come out of her mouth and she just shrugged it off. 

Being honest though I did start to try it say it multiple times but it couldn't have been a worse time. 

But tonight, however, tonight felt different. 

Tonight felt right. 

I had plans to stay at Asa's after I finished my time on the ice today. 

I didn't want to say it during or after sex though so I knew my window was narrow. Usually the moment we close that door we are on each other than opposite ends of a magnet. 

So after my time at the rink and asa driving me back I took a shower first. 

I needed to clear my thoughts and keep myself from psyching myself out and bailing like I have for multiple nights. 

It was time he knew how deep my feelings ran for him. 

How deeply I loved him and what those feelings entailed. 

Of course nothing ever goes as planned, especially when you plan how you'll tell someone you love them. 

The first clue I shouldve picked up on, if I wasn't so lost in my own problems, was how Asa didn't even try to shower with me. 

That man always makes it his mission to hop in with me so that should've been a flag that something was a miss. 

Then when I walked into his room, only wearing his tee shirt and a pair of underwear he barely looked at me as he got changed into a pair of sweats. 

Thats when it starts to click something is going on with him. 

"Asa, you ok?" I ask as he gets into bed. 

A nod is all I get and I sigh. 

I get into the bed beside him and we turn out the lights, bathing us in darkness. 

I knew before telling him anything I had to figure out what was bothering him. What had him closing in on himself when just this morning he was his normal self. 

I trace patterns and shapes on his chest, "Asa, talk to me. Please." I silently beg him. 

I still want him to fully bring his guard down around me and trust me no matter the situation. We're still working on that though. 

"I found out that the team we're playing against is in my home town." He admits and I stay quiet. 

I know it's more than that but I can already see where this might be going and I can't get past the tension in my shoulders. 

"I think," He pauses and I feel his chest rising and falling faster, "I think I want to see my mom."

That gets me. 

I know he has unresolved guilt from the past. For leaving his mom with his abusive step dad and chasing away his biological dad when he was trying to help. 

No matter what I can't get him to see that he's not at fault. He'll always continue to keep blaming himself for their choices and mistakes.

"Do you think it's a good idea?" He asks me.

I sigh, "What do you want to do?"

I don't care what it is as long as it erases the guilt he feels when it comes to his mom. 

"I want to see how she is and talk to her." He tells me, "Is that stupid?" 

I shake my head, "No, thats not stupid at all." It' just a son who cares too much about his mom who in turns probably doesn't think much about him. 

It's the sad reality but its the truth. 

He wraps his arms around me, "I'm glad I have you in my life Percy. I don't think you realize how much."

Is this the opportunity?

I honestly can't tell but I also can't stop the next words that escape me. 

"Asa, you're my favorite person. I love who you are, I love you."

Silence follows and I begin to think I made a terrible mistake. That I said it at the wrong moment and ruined everything but then Asa flips me on my back so he's hovering over me. 

"You love me?" he asks, stupefied. Like he can't believe what he's hearing, that there is no way in the world those words were true, that I could really love him. 

It hurts my heart to to see that he doesn't think he's capable of love or being loved by someone. 

I don't think I could stop loving him if I tried. 

Asa has this pull, this electricity he ignites inside me that I can't and won't find off. I want to be shocked because it reminds me of what I have to lose. 

Asa is the only guy I have ever considered an actual future with and I think he might be the only one I can ever do that with. 

He's taken my heart from my chest and etched his initials inside of it. I have no problem with that, no problem at all. 

"I love you with everything that I am, Asa Brookes." From the light in the bathroom I can see the smile that takes over his face. 

So breathtaking and pure. 

"I love you too."

I think my heart stopped, "You love me?"

He nods, "Feels crazy right? To hear the person you are so in love with admit they love you."

Heck yeah it feels strange, something I hadn't been expecting tonight. I figured best case I tell him and he thanks me, I didn't except him to return the sentiment. 

Asa Brookes loves me and I love him. 

But will love be enough?

The day he leaves for his game a knot builds deep in my stomach and doesn't go away all day. 

What if everything we've worked hard to build comes tumbling down after his visit?