Love is a Fight

Chapter 38

A/N i strongly recommend listening to this song during this chapter.

~ grayson ~

Things were great.

I felt happy.

Ryder dropped me off and I felt this sense of euphoria wash over me. This girl that I liked — really fucking liked — just went out with me on what felt like a date.

For once I finally felt like I was going to be okay.

But we all know that never lasts for long in my life.

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I went to my room after my outing with Ryder and laid on my bed. With my arms behind my head I let a small smile grace my face. Just the thought of her sitting across from me wearing sweatpants and her hair in a bun, continuously stealing my fries though being stubborn and not admitting that they were actually good. The way her eyes light up each time a smile was brought to my face showing she genuinely cared about my happiness.

How did I get so lucky?

I know she's not my girl, as much as I wish she was, but that moment — those small moments I share with her — make me forget all the shitty things in my life and just feel...content.

That smile I had on my face was about to disappear for a long time.

My dad came into my room, something he has never done since I found out he's been cheating on my mom. His face conveyed one of worry. His eyes brimmed with tears.

"The fuck do you want?" I snapped disregarding his sad expression.

He opened his mouth but no words seemed to come out. He looked like a fish gasping for air. In any other scenario I would have laughed at him but the way his expression stayed in a worrying composure started to scare me.

"I said, what the fuck do you want?" my patience was starting to run thin.

His words were quiet. Hardly audible, much different than his usual condescending tone. "Your mother" he breathed out.

In an instant I was up bolting out of the room. I roughly shoved him aside with no care where he landed. My hands were quick to grasp the door knob hauling the piece of wood open.

My feet took me to her bedside. I grabbed her hand in mine but it was cold, almost lifeless.

Tears already threatening to pour out met my eyes. My eyes flickered to hers but they were barely open. The dull blue ones glanced at me, though it seemed like it took her all the effort in the world. Her body laid stiff and her head barely moved with her eyes.

She opened her mouth but it closed again as what looked like a wave of pain washed over her. All I could do was sit there and grasp her hand tighter, my head shaking in denial.

"Gray" she whispered. Her voice so hoarse. "The moon, the sun, it's right in front of me now."

Tears flowed from my eyes as sobs overtook my entire body.

"Mom no" I let out painfully though I didn't know if she could even make out my words through my sobs.

In that moment as her eyes met mine, I knew she recognized me. I knew she was holding out until I sat besides her. I knew that although her brain completely ate away at her memory she knew it was me, her baby, sitting with her as she prepared to take her last breath.

She waited for me.

"I love you" she whispered. "I love you Grayson."

"I love you so much momma" I managed to get out.

With that I helplessly watched as her eyes fluttered shut. A shaky breath made her chest rise. Her grip on my hand went limp.

My mom.

My mom is fucking dead.

Everything after that didn't feel real. My vision went in and out as I couldn't focus on her body in front of me. I think I felt a hand on my shoulder from behind me but I shook it off. I stood up and backed away from the lifeless body as if it would jump up and attack me.

My feet stumbled and my eyes moved towards my dad. His lips were moving, he was speaking, but I heard no words.

I don't remember going to my room. I don't remember slamming and locking the door behind me. I don't remember pulling the bottle of alcohol out of my drawer and starting to chug.

Maybe seconds passed, maybe minutes or maybe hours.

The bottle of liquor that was once filled was now over halfway empty.

My phone buzzed and buzzed on the floor besides me. When did I put it there?

I reached for it but missed the first few times as about three different images of the phone appeared in my blurred vision. My eyes squinted at the screen.

I saw the names of Ryder and Nick.

Through blurry vision and minutes of comprehension I read the texts.

Nick: boo you left me :(
Nick: our cuddle sesh was very rudely interrupted
Nick: what's your deal with Ryder? you guys fucking yet?

Ryder: It wasn't a date Grayson
Ryder: I know that's what you're thinking
Ryder: Do not sassily smile at your phone right now, I know that's what you're doing
Ryder: Either way, I (might) have had fun today and (maybe) we should do it again soon

My hands reacted before my distorted mind as I sent the phone spiraling against the wall. It smashed into pieces with no chance of revival — Just like my mom.

I stood up, though it was difficult and stumbled towards the door. After many failed attempts of grabbing the door knob, and another long swig of the alcohol that didn't burn my throat anymore, I opened it.

I looked down the hallway and saw men in uniforms standing in the doorway of my mom's room. I walked down the steps grasping the railing for a support and it seemed as if nobody noticed me. They were too preoccupied with the corpse that was once my mother.

I made my way to the front door as best I could. I couldn't tell if my stumbling footsteps were from the shock of the situation or my incredibly drunk state.

I grabbed the keys to my motorcycle that laid on the counter.

Walking outside I saw two cop cars in front of my house. My dad called them? Who do you call when someone dies of fucking cancer in their own home? I don't know. I don't care.

I finally arrived at my motorcycle and started it up.

I somehow made it out of the driveway and onto the road. I drove and I drove with no destination. Perhaps some signs had passed or maybe some red lights. I did not stop.

It was nearing dark when I realized I was still on a motorcycle swerving in and out of lanes. The street lights began to melt together and the lines on the road became a blur.

People were blaring on their horns. At me? I don't know.

My eyes began to close. I'm really tired.

Mom, I want to join you.

That's the last thing I remembered as I heard tires screech and my vision went black.

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:(

writing this chapter sucked.

normally my chapters are much longer than this but i really wanted to emphasize how sudden this felt for grayson and how quickly it all happened.

also A/N about why i chose this song:
i know it's meant as a song about a person the singer is in love with but i pictured the lyrics from a perspective of how much love grayson has for his mother
the part that says 'take my body' i interpreted it as grayson wishing it was him that died instead of her.
*though you never know: maybe just maybe he did actually join her*