Love is a Fight

Chapter 43

~ grayson ~

4:03 am.

4:04 am.

4:05 am.

Jesus Christ every minute I stay awake, every minute I want to smash my head into the wall.

It was somewhere around 11 o'clock that Ryder came upstairs after I got told off by Heath. She called out to me but I pretended to be asleep. With a sigh, she got into bed with me and hugged me from behind. Who knew how much comfort I would find in being the little spoon?

I slowly untangled myself from the sleeping girl and sat on the bed with my feet on the ground. Rubbing a hand over my tired face I wondered why the fuck I couldn't just turn my brain off and go to sleep.

I got up and walked into the silence of Nick's house. It was almost comically ironic that the outgoing loud boy lives in such a silent, quiet house. No parents, no siblings. Nothing. All of them leaving the extroverted boy by himself.

I made my way to his backyard, not forgetting to grab my jacket on the way. With a deep sigh, I sat down on the dewy grass and pulled a carton of cigarettes from the jacket pocket. Lighting one up, I sent the smoke into the direction of the moon.

Where is my mom now?

Heaven? Does that exist? The moon?

I'd like to think she's somewhere where I have the chance to see her again. But I know that's just wishful thinking.

If heaven does exist, that's where she is. And if Hell does exist, that's where I'm going.

Why couldn't God or whoever the fuck is out there take me instead? I sure as hell deserve it more than my angelic mother who has never done anything as much as look at someone the wrong way.

I should be the one getting ready to rot for the rest of eternity underground, letting worms and bugs eat away at my decaying corpse. I should be the one who was gasping for air in my last moments of life as if each breath was to tell me I deserved the pain. I should—

"Grayson?" A confused voice called out.

I didn't answer because I knew they knew it was me.

I felt them take a seat next to me and put their hand out, signaling for a cigarette. I instantly complied and lit it, all the while not looking at the person beside me.

We were silent through another two cigarettes each.

"She died, didn't she?" Nick finally spoke up.

I didn't answer.

I tried but I couldn't.

Finally, I found courage in my voice before I croaked out a very broken "Yeah".

I broke down as soon as the one confirmation word was out of my mouth and Nick took me into his arms at the same moment.

The only thing that filled the air was lingering cigarette smoke and broken sobs.

Nick held me tight to his chest as I felt the cigarette I was holding slip out of my fingers and onto the grass below.

"It's not fair" I cried, "It's not fucking fair."

He didn't say anything as we both knew no words could fill the void of this moment.

"I'm sorry for earlier" Nick spoke up as my sobs continued only slightly less than the original outburst. "I was pissed and you know I don't think before I talk. I should have figured something happened to make you leave your house and drive drunk."