Fear & Desire ❤️‍🔥

When in doubt, attack

Laying down, in the mess that was you and Bucky's first official time together, you felt an overwhelming sense of shame and contrition. Bucky hadn't done anything wrong. Your unpleasant mood was thanks to Loki. Loki, the lonely prince. Loki the ex friend. Loki the heartless. Loki the person you wanted to apologise most to. Sighing, you closed your eyes but then immediately snapped them open when you smelt food coming from your kitchen. Standing up, you grabbed a dressing gown and tiptoed to the door. You knew how to be stealthy as well as how to defend yourself despite how naked and defenceless and weak and spineless you felt. Ok, so you were a tiny bit scared.

Picking up a clip from the floor to keep your gown closed, you unwrapped the belt from your dressing gown. Slowly twisting the door knob, you threw the door open and sprinted towards the person who was in your apartment, wrapping the belt around their neck. How dare they break into your house, mess up your kitchen, cook food and— oh my gosh.

"Bucky?"

"What the fuck y/n?" Bucky said easily removing the belt from his neck using his left hand.

Of course someone wouldn't have to break into your apartment if they hadn't actually left in the first place.

"I- I thought you—"

"What?" He said clearly irritated.

"Sorry." You said feeling slightly awkward.

Instead of replying, Bucky just moved past you to grab a plate.

"Bucky what are you still doing here?" You asked as he moved around you, not looking at you and grabbing things.

"You're upset, you were pushing me away" he replied simply.

"What?"

"I've been where you are y/n, pushing away the people trying to help. I knew you were upset when I first got here and I still proceeded to— I'm sorry" he said pausing his movements and looking down.

Did Bucky just apologise?

"No no no" you insisted grabbing his cheeks with your hands making him look at you "don't apologise, you haven't done anything wrong, it was me" you reassured trying to read his face.

"No, I shouldn't ha—"

Bucky was silenced with a kiss as you reached up to grab him towards you. How could Bucky think he was to blame for your ambivalent behaviour? You tried to express your sorrow and gratitude for him not leaving in the kiss as he wrapped his arms around your waist.

As you sat down at the table, Bucky placed a plate with food in front of you. Sitting opposite you, he started talking.

"What happened with Loki y/n?" He sighed looking at you.

"Nothing" you replied quickly not wanting him to know you and Loki had fallen out. Loki hadn't told Bucky so you wouldn't.

"Clearly he said something or did something that upset you" He countered not convinced.

"He didn't" you said putting your head down.

"Then how did he know you were upset?"

Thinking of an excuse, you settled with the truth, well a bit of it.

"He saw me"

"Saw you?"

"At the cemetery"

"Cemetery? Y/n, I'm so sorry" he said reaching for your hand.

Why does he keep apologising? He hasn't done anything. This whole mess was you and Loki's doing. After a moment of silence, you elaborated.

"It was my dad. I was visiting him"

"Y/n, you don't have to go on"

You glanced up at him offering a small smile which he returned. You both began eating in silence for a while until Bucky broke it.

"Grief, it can make us act out"

"And attack nice men that cook delicious food" you joked trying to lighten the mood earning a small laugh from Bucky.

He stood up and began taking the plates until you stopped him.

"You can shower if you want, I've got this" you said taking the plates from his hands.

"Are you sure you're not going to attack me?" he teased making you smile widely.

"No promises Buck" you laughed.

You heard the shower turn on and felt yourself smiling. Surely Bucky was a gift from the gods. How could someone be so understanding? Most men would have just left, labelling you as crazy. You'd gone from being all over him to practically pushing him out of your bed and instead of leaving, he stayed. Perhaps you weren't alone anymore. Bucky wasn't like the other men. He'd never break your heart.

Walking towards your bedroom to grab a clean towel and an oversized top that would probably be tight on Bucky, you spotted the Julius Ceaser book Loki had picked up that day he dropped you back. You felt your smile fade thinking about the snafu you and Loki's relationship was in. You both betrayed each other's trust. You both mocked each others pasts. You both were wrong despite who was wrong first. Huffing, you knew you'd have to apologise to Loki, regardless of what he did, you didn't feel good retaliating like that. He may not except your apology like you'd probably never except his but it was still something that needed to be done. If you wouldn't be friends again, you could both at least be civil for the sake of the team you were slightly regretting you joined.

One question remained in your head? Why did Loki do that to you in the first place? What had you done that was so bad? Surely it wasn't seeing you and Bucky together that drove Loki to betrayal. Unless he thought you betrayed him first. Recalling the scene earlier in your room at the tower, you remembered Loki's expression, he had the same one that had greeted you so many times in the mirror. Did Loki feel like you abandoned him when you told him to go?