Fear & Desire ❤️‍🔥

There are times when youre not around

When you left the hospital, you opted for a hotel. You couldn't go back home, to either of your homes. You knew you had to get away. You had to protect your child. What happened tonight was just some bleeding brought on by stress, nothing too serious. The doctor said you'd be fine as long as you took it easy. You didn't want to take it easy. Your heart had just been ripped from your body. You wanted to fall into an endless sleep but knowing you had someone relying on you now, you knew you had to carry on.

Whenever you closed your eyes, you saw Loki's face. You should have told him sooner, told him how much you loved him, told him you were pregnant. Touching your stomach, you thought about the babies parentage. Would you love it unconditionally if it was Bucky's the same way you were certain you would if it was Loki's? That was a question you couldn't answer and it burned. You didn't want it to be Bucky's. You prayed it wasn't but you didn't know. What if it was Loki's? Would it have some of his features? Could you look at a constant reminder of Loki everyday?

You fell into a dreamless sleep, tossing and turning the whole night. When you woke up, you were reluctant to open your eyes. You first ran your hands over the covers hoping that they were yours. If they were, last night was nothing but a nightmare but they weren't yours.

Yesterday happened. The nauseating feeling that traveled through your body was what got you up. You ran to the bathroom before throwing up. You tried to just focus on what was going on right in this moment, not about what happened. You couldn't think about what happened, you had to just get away.

Changing into the jumper and jogging bottoms you got from the hospital, you decided to stealthily head back to your apartment to get your passport and pack some things. You hoped none of the Avengers were there or looking for you. You couldn't face them.

Arriving at your apartment, you picked up the key you had left underneath your mat and opened the door. Usually you'd relish in the feeling of finally coming home and being alone but today, the loneliness was lamentable. Avoiding looking anywhere but at the floor, you rushed to your bathroom. You tried to not catch sight of the Julius Caesar book that Loki had picked up when he first came or his shirt that he had left here or your unmade bed left from the last time you slept together.

You ran yourself a hot bath, wincing when you dipped your hand in it. You were happy to go in and feel the water burning your skin but you remembered you were looking after two now. You added some cold water before stepping in and hugging your knees to your chest whilst listening to the sound of the dripping tap. You didn't know how long you sat there just resting your head on your knees as the water slowly darkened as the dry blood from your body diffused into the water.

Leaving the bath, you wrapped a towel around yourself before heading to your bedroom. Your nostrils flared when you inhaled, you could still smell him. Pushing the thought to the back of your mind, you took a duffel bag out and starting shoving some clothes into it along with your passport.

Still standing in your towel, you went to the mirror and touched your stomach. Letting your towel fall, you turned to your side and gasped when you saw you were already slightly showing. This thing was growing inside of you and this was the first time you actually properly acknowledged it. You looked bloated.

You changed into some leggings and a top before hearing a notification on your phone. Reluctantly you looked at it and saw it was a text from Noah.

Noah☕️: Wanna hang?

You decided to meet him considering you were about to leave the country for the foreseeable.

You: Diner?

Noah☕️: Diner

You brought your duffel with you when you met Noah at the Diner. It was pretty much empty when you walked in except from Noah's smiling face. It put a smile on yours. You could forget with Noah. He wasn't an Avenger. He didn't know what happened.

"Hey" he said as you sat down "going somewhere?" He laughed pointing at your bag.

"I am" you replied with a small smile.

"Well then, I should enjoy your company now whilst I still can then."

You and Noah spoke for a while whilst you tried to soothe the itch in your brain that reminded you of your current situation.

"Should we go to the bar downtown?" Noah asked after a while.

"Noah, I can't drink" you admitted.

"That's cool" he replied.

"I'm pregnant" you added.

"Oh wow, oh ok" he said.

"I don't know why I just told you that." You said looking down.

After a moment of silence, Noah spoke again.

"Wanna do karaoke?"

You and Noah headed to a nearby karaoke bar. You tried to keep your breathing even as you 'enjoyed' yourself. You could feel yourself splitting but you managed to keep the seams from tearing apart. You almost managed to until you heard For the first time start to play. You winced before turning away and running out of the door with Noah chasing you.

Touch something flat y/n come on come on just find something flat to touch you mentally told yourself as tears began falling from your eyes. You remembered when you had a panic attack and Loki kissed you for the first time. Loki. Gods Loki. Why Loki. Dropping to your knees, you had reached the crescendo as you wept on the floor. You finally let the dams open. How could Loki be gone? How could he be gone? Not Loki. You were alone again.

"Y/n, shh you're alright" Noah said rubbing your back.

"I'm not, I'm not alright he's gone Noah GONE" you sobbed.

"Who's gone?"

"Loki" you said quietly causing Noah's expression to change into one of realisation as he remembered you calling out for Loki that night and you saying you loved him. Noah pulled you towards him as you cried on his shoulder.

Once you had calmed down, you and Noah started walking.

"So, where are you gonna go?"

"I don't know yet, anywhere, anywhere that isn't here"

"Am I ever going to see you again y/n?"

"I would never say never" you smiled "Thank you Noah"

"Want me to get you an Uber to the airport"

"Yes please"

As the Uber drove you to the airport, you let out a silent goodbye when you passed the cemetery.

"Won't be seeing you for a while dad, hope you're not mad" you whispered looking out the window.