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TRACK 32 - PART 1

I pushed open the bathroom door, checking to see that it closed fully behind me before stepping towards her. The entire night we had spent from opposite sides of the room, only interacting through stolen glances. It was hard, fucking painful, to not even be able to say hello. That was the price we had to pay in order to keep things private and not raise suspicion.

The noise of the event was now muffled in the background, giving us a second to finally be alone together.

"Kiss," I said our favourite greeting, giving her a cheeky smile.

TJ wrapped her arms around my neck, pulling me close. "Kiss," she mumbled against my lips and gave me a quick peck.

"You look beautiful."

Her cheeks tinted red. "You don't look too bad yourself."

She didn't leave much time for any further conversation to make its way in as she pressed her lips to mine, deepening the kiss. I felt one hand rest on the back of my neck, gently tugging on my hair. We were caught up in a wild bliss of passion - behind closed doors for no one else to see. I savoured these moments.

TJ broke the kiss, taking a half step back. "Sorry," she muttered quickly.

"It's okay," I said softly, taking her hands in mine. "I didn't come in here for that. I just wanted to see you - it's not like I can talk to you much out there."

"It will pass. I'll get over it soon."

She had been saying the same thing for weeks now, but never mentioned what it was specifically that she wanted to get over.

Something changed the day she found out she wasn't pregnant.

And I was at a complete loss over how to handle the situation.

On one hand, I didn't want to push her and make her feel obligated to open up. On the other hand, I wanted her to know that she could tell me and I would be there for her, getting her whatever she needed to make it better.

I did everything I could to ignore the saddened look and forced smile she had when a baby appeared on the television; how I had caught her looking at her stomach in the mirror, moving her hands over the skin as if she were cradling a bump.

"Are you alright?" I asked as I did every time this happened.

She would always respond the same, with a nod and a fake smile, and a made up excuse. Right on cue, she nodded, smiled, and replied, "Yeah. We just should... wait... till we get home."

We hadn't had sex for a few weeks now. Her level of intimacy hadn't changed. She was still touching, loving, caring. Her interest was there. But, as soon as a kiss went on a tad too long or a moan begged to escape, she pulled away.

We promised communication with each other. And yet that was the one thing we weren't doing. But how on earth was I supposed to ask her to tell me what was going on in her head over a subject like this?

Then one night, suddenly everything went back to normal.

"Do you have any extra toothpaste? This one is out," she called from the bathroom.

"Under the sink."

I kept my eyes on my phone, looking over my schedule for the next few days. TJ and the boys were having a party at their house at the end of the week, and I had to basically get on my hands and knees and beg Jeff to let me attend. The grovelling appeared to have worked. However, I now realized he added more appearances into the agenda - a clear PR move for content in case anything went wrong at the party, which was something I had promised wouldn't happen.