It’s been two days since Jamie and I talked. I know she understands why I have not called. What she unloaded that night is like nails hammered into my heart one after the other. I never thought that the way I love her would scare her.
I’m thankful that it’s the weekend and I can stay at my parents house. I need a clearer mind and process these things on my own. My mother senses that there is something wrong but whenever I’m like this, she’d wait it out.
The things that she said are on loop in my head since I came home. Two days, that’s what I have been thinking about. Processing, trying to find reason, arguing with that reason I found and it’s a never ending cycle.
I heard a knock on the door. “Come in.” I saw my Dad come in.
“Everything alright? You’ve been in your room the entire weekend, only coming out to eat. What’s going on?
“Jaime. Scholarship. Jamie.”
“Care to share, maybe I can help?”
“I don’t know Dad. I don’t even know how and what to feel about all of these. I’m not sure if I am hurt, angry, or there’s sense knocked into me.”
“At least you have those other emotions to deal with, not just anger. What happened?”
“Remember the scholarship I told you about? I kind of omitted a few important details to you and Mom and definitely Jamie.”
My father does not urge the conversation to continue, he would just wait for you to continue.
“The offer is from the top school in Germany. Full ride.”
“That’s great! Wait, Germany?”
“Yeah, that other side of the world.”
“I see. So where and when does Jamie come in the picture of this story?”
“She wants me to take it. She said it’s for my future. Thing is I don’t want to because this may sound so shallow to anyone who would hear this but I don’t want to leave her here, Dad. I know myself and I cannot bear to be away from her.”
“What did she say?”
“I don’t remember all because I don’t know how to feel about all those things and it was just so fluid that it went from scholarship talk to our relationship. She said though,
“What if you wake up one morning and you realize that you gave up a great opportunity because you held onto me? I can’t ever handle the possibility of seeing you resent me everyday. The love you have for me scares me. I don’t want you to lose you, I don’t want to lose the you that I love.”
I repeated the things Jamie said, the gist of it that has been bothering me and other stuff that I could remember.
“Aren’t you giving up a great opportunity though?” He probed.
“I think I am, but Jamie.”
“Have you not listened to what Jamie said? Have you not realized yet what she meant by the things she said?”
“I’ve been wrapping my head around it, Dad but no honestly, no. I want to be mad at her but I can’t because I know there is some sense in there. I’m hurt when she says that my love scares her, but I know there's a reason. Everything she says has reason.”
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“This is why I like her.” Dad validated what I already knew but continued what he want to say.
“She loves you, there is no question about it and you shouldn’t. She doesn’t want you put her into a pedestal but wants you to be with her on that pedestal, together. She said it directly, she doesn't want you to make your world revolve around her so she wants you to get the best the world can offer and if that means you leave her here, then she’s strong enough to accept that fact. The question is, are you strong enough to hold the world you created alone when you know she’s offering to share it. Son, resentment is never great. When you see it in the eyes of the very person you love, it hurts even more.”
“She’s thinking of scenarios that will never happen.”
“Like what she said, how sure are you? Do you know yourself that well? Let’s talk about this opportunity because basically this is what would help you realize. What will this scholarship mean to you? Take Jamie out of the equation and how much you love her.”
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“Dad, I cannot take Jamie out of the equation.”
“I get why she said she’s scared of the love you’re giving her. Don’t lose yourself son. That’s not what she wants for you. I get that she’s your world, but what if that world crumbles down and you cannot do anything about it? What happens next? Where do you find yourself? How do you even find yourself after that?”
“I don’t know either, Dad. I feel like all this talk would lead to us breaking up.”
“Did she say that?”
“She doesn’t have to. I know it’s bound to happen.”
