Periodic System Journal

Arsenic - 12. April, 2022

Today has been such a fucking emotional trainwreck, and I don't even know where to start. It's just been a disaster all the way through... ugh.

Okay, y'know what? Let's start with the first things that made today awful. It was during financial algebra when my partner for this road trip project decided we'd fill out a golf course for one of the required activities. It was stupid and petty so I didn't say anything about it, but it kinda upset me by a mostly negligible amount because I got Toontown CEO memories. Not really anything day ruining or even anything I'd take real note of because, again, it was petty and negligible.

The mild inconvenience was replaced with worse, though. During creative writing, my teacher told me I couldn't shorten my name to 'As' because, "This isn't a science classroom." That REALLY pissed me off for two reasons.

1. Okay then, people with nicknames like TJ don't get those nicknames anymore either because they're two letters just like mine. Doesn't matter if 'As' happens to be the chemical symbol for arsenic because that's the reason it's my nickname, genius. It should be any two letter nickname like TJ or RJ to you, it shouldn't matter where the fuck I got it from unless it was offensive {i.e. if I'd decided my nickname was KKK or something, which would absolutely not be okay}.

2. I saw it as a direct attack on chemistry. If he didn't want it specifically because of the science origins, then it's clearly an attack on chemistry and/or me trying to express my passion for it even in small ways. As an alter whose original purpose was containing positive memories about Shaun's science teacher and by extension the subject of science itself, I do NOT take that kind of behavior lightly. To me, that's the literal equivalent of telling me my entire existence is invalid because it's too "science-y." I wish I was being dramatic when I say that, but I'm not. Any remote negativity towards/about science immediately gets taken to level 100 by me because I identify so closely with the subject, especially chemistry. It's easily one of, if not the fastest way{s} to trigger me.

Of course, my teacher didn't give a shit, and I ended up getting so pissed off that a new alter had to rapidly split from me just to hold those feelings because I was too dangerous and destructive to keep them. Now they're locked away into a fragment that's rapidly getting buried further and further away from me. I still have a lot of my anger, but not even 1% of what I was feeling before.

That caused some really strange fronting issues. My bestie ended up running into an alter even I didn't recognize who apparently just wanted to sleep, Captain Churchill, CFO, Patty, Demonica, Tanya, Melody, Buttercup, and even more alters... all in the span of just a few minutes!! Yes, the rapid switching was THAT bad again. I've noticed whenever somebody gets upset, a MASSIVE rapid fronting traffic jam seems to happen. And of course, I got a lovely headache as a result.

I kept switching pretty frequently for the rest of the day, which was pretty disorienting.

When I got to anatomy, I asked my teacher what I missed before break and yesterday as well. Her response was, "Well, your body was here yesterday... but check [school database] for the stuff you missed. There's also notes you're gonna have to copy from somebody else if you want to do good on the test, and yesterday we reviewed on whiteboards."

At least that was actually a straightforward response. It's really nice that she knows about my DID so when I ask her stuff like what happened, she doesn't get weirded out or anything by it. Whenever other alters front during other classes, I'm usually too scared to ask the teacher what I missed because I'm too scared to tell them about my DID. The last teacher I told treated me like I was an alien when I tried to tell them and ask what I missed, then had the audacity to say they wanted me to feel safe in their classroom. After that experience, I think I'll stick to only the science-y teachers getting to know about it because at least I know they're not gonna treat me like an outcast for it. I'll just treat it like an absent day that I don't get filled in about what happened.

But of course, the content was short lived.

When I got home, the first thing I did was downpatch Subnautica. Because my normal Wi-Fi is way too slow and would've taken 2-5 days to finish, I sacrified 4 GB of my hundreds of times faster mobile data so it would finish in just a couple hours instead. I have less than 2 GB of data to last me a week now, just to show how dedicated I am to this. That decision was NOT made lightly.

I clicked play, and then... Steam wouldn't let me play it because it said the shared library was locked. I asked my sister what she was playing, but she said she wasn't even on Steam, which made no sense. Why wasn't Subnautica opening then??

I started getting frustrated and checked for Steam updates, restarted my PC several times and restarted Steam several more times, and then like an hour later my sister said it was probably because her friend was playing a game from her library that it was locked. SERIOUSLY?! I waited all day to play Subnautica, almost literally itching to play it because I was genuinely that excited to get home and go play it, and now I was supposed to wait even LONGER because somebody else was using her library? Fucking hell...

By the way, if anyone tells me, "Just buy it yourself!!!" BESTIE, I CAN'T. I could go on a long rant about why I physically can't do shit about it, but since that's gonna piss me off even more than I'm working myself up typing this and I've explained it literally hundreds of times on the Internet already, I'm sick and tired of repeating myself and refuse to explain myself anymore. Go look for one of my several explanations yourself if you're so nosy.

Anyways, since that upset me a lot I shut down my laptop and just went to sleep because I didn't know what else to do with my life. I know I have homework, but I also know I wouldn't be able to focus because I'd be too busy thinking about Subnautica to do it. If my brain doesn't wanna focus on the work, I physically can't do it. Sorry, try again tomorrow and hopefully my brain will actually let me focus. I've earned myself plenty of zeros because my brain didn't let me complete an assignment in time and when I tried to force myself to do it, I'd either:

-Think so much about trying to focus that I wouldn't end up actually focusing.
-Get distracted with whatever I wanted to think about and forget I was trying to do work.
-Scream and/or cry because no matter how much I willed myself to, I couldn't even READ THE ASSIGNMENT because my brain refused to focus.
-A combination of the above!

After years of those experiences, I've learned to just take zeros in stride if my brain didn't let me focus within a timely manner because it decided something else was more important. I'm done torturing myself just to appease arbitrary deadlines because the result is the same anyways, so I might as well go with the route that's less mentally taxing. So yeah, that's why I'm not doing my homework. My brain decides Subnautica is too important to focus right now.

Okay, I think that's all I wanted to rant about today.