Periodic System Journal

Arsenic - 23. May, 2022

I just found a way to resent basically every single one of my friendships and I'm convinced other alters that are currently not showing themselves played a major role in this. Well, that's the best explanation for me suddenly hating everybody, especially since most of these friendships have stood the test of time {only 2 less than a year old}.

It suddenly feels like all my friends secretly hate me or that I'm actually incredibly annoying to them. For some of them, I can't get this thought out of my head: "They're too crazy. They're dangerous and don't care about you. They'll hurt you.

As dumb as it sounds, I genuinely think this mess started with some idiot on Toontown that I now resent with every fiber of my being.

I was playing with Trick a couple days ago, and a deer toon named 'Deer Old Friend' {or pal, same difference} was about to play with us. Before we started a bullion together, I decided to make the joke I sometimes make and hid behind Trick. Then I said, "OMG a stranger!! Bestie protect me!"

The deer responded and said, "Don't worry, I'll protect you from Trick."

I was genuinely confused why they responded, but I figured they were trying to be funny so I didn't really say anything about it. Trick asked them what they were on about, and the deer said that Trick wasn't my bestie because, "The name doesn't compute. It's just a trick. I'm your deer old friend!"

The first time it was genuinely funny and I got a laugh out of it. But after we started the bullion, they kept responding EVERY single time I said 'bestie,' which is how I address Trick {and all my friends} 99.9% of the time. And every time I said that deer wasn't my bestie, they'd respond with, "Nope, the name doesn't compute."

At that point it was starting to get incredibly annoying, but I didn't really say much about it. When the bullion was over, Trick and I hid in his usual playground at the gag shop. Trick said, "Finally safe," and I was happy to know I wasn't the only one who didn't like that deer.

Well, after that happened, I started to silently question my friendship with Trick like the paranoid idiot I am. I thought to myself, Are we REALLY friends? I consider him 'a great friend' but what if I'm just a pest to him? What if he only hangs out with me because my sister is a streamer and she's all he cares about? What if he only considers me a 'last resort' friend- that one friend you actually hate but it's better than being bored out of your mind? You get the idea.

Then I started questioning my other friendships. I started thinking maybe EVERYBODY actually hates me and thinks I'm incredibly annoying. I'm a no life who doesn't stfu for ten minutes, how could I not be annoying? I'm almost always the one who initiates conversations with EVERYBODY I know, which is a telltale sign they're not ACTUALLY interested in you. I think the only person who sends me DMs when I didn't initiate and it's not just them kind of giving a 'one off' message {closed, not really a way to start a conversation and is mostly just to show me something} is my sister. Alternatively, they'll only talk to me if they need something from me {i.e. venting, self promotion, help with something}.

So what have I decided to do after questioning all my friendships? I'm not gonna initiate a single conversation for a while with any of my friends. Not one. I know it's petty and makes me sound like an attention seeker {honestly maybe I am, I'm self-centered AF so it wouldn't surprise me}, but I'm gonna do it anyways. I wanna see if a SINGLE friend will initiate a conversation with me.