Periodic System Journal

Arsenic - 8. May, 2022

Although I wanna say today was chaos, technically it was yesterday. I'm writing this at like 1:30 AM.

It started with a really bad dream I had. Since I'm too lazy to type it all out again, I'll just copy/paste the story I sent to my friend.

I was kinda dismissive and shy towards somebody and they said I was being rude, which made me visibly upset. So they asked, "What? You a victim of abuse or something and that's why you're so pathetic?"

I immediately got pissed so I shouted so as many people could hear me, "MY MOM ABUSED ME AND I WAS RAPED BY A FUCKING MURDERER, YOU BITCH. SO SHUT THE FUCK UP ABOUT ABUSE AND YOU BETTER FUCKING UNDERSTAND WHEN I DON'T FUCKING TRUST YOU AND I DON'T WANNA FUCKING TALK TO YOU!!"

They paused for a few seconds and then said, "Hmmm... no, you're not crying enough. It's world politics that got you so upset. Admit you lied to me."

That rlly pissed me off so I punched them, so they summoned nemesis from Resident Evil to come kill me. So I had a long ass fight with that bitch but managed to at least knock him out... and confronted the asshole again. They seemed pretty shocked I kicked nemesis's ass but scoffed and said, "Fine, keep your filthy lies with you. Nobody will like you anyways for being such a liar."

Then I woke up while a bunch of ppl glared at me bc they assumed that person was telling the truth.

I was really upset about this dream. Like... REALLY upset. I sort of confided in a couple of my friends, but not really. I just told them about it and that I was upset, and then I quickly changed the topic. I went the entire day feeling really sad, empty, and in general being triggered as hell.

It got worse and worse as the day went on, and then Shaun started to age slide. Usually he identifies with the age of the body, but he kept sliding between ages as low as 5 and as old as early 30s. Shaun was so frustrated with this that he took it out on the body and made a lot of cuts on our arm.

Even though I didn't really want to, I forced myself to get on Toontown as a last resort effort to try to cheer myself up. I knew Shaun was only gonna cause more destruction if I let him keep fronting, so I took his place and started playing Toontown.

When I finished a factory, 'K' was waiting for me. I asked Shaun if he wanted to play with 'K,' but he said no because he was too upset. So, I played with them while also feeling incredibly empty and dead inside. I started feeling suicidal because I felt like me not being my typical loud, hyper self on Toontown was gonna ruin 'K's' mood, which made me tell myself I shouldn't be playing with them in the first place because I wasn't happy enough.

Surprisingly, the person who cheered me up in the end was... 'K.' We had a genuinely serious conversation about what was going on while at the same time on Toontown, we were being our typical stupid selves. It was actually a moment I enjoyed, even if the reason it happened in the first place was because Shaun cut the body.

And that's my essay about how somebody outside of the system actually helped me! I'm like half asleep as I was writing this entry, so if there's grammar and/or spelling mistakes that's why.