Periodic System Journal

Arsenic +1 - 26. April, 2022

So it's been a little while since anyone wrote in this journal. I guess I should probably get everybody up to speed on what happened, then.

Churchill and I became pretty close after the threat of war was gone. I still hung out with him in his tank and we had long, actual conversations. He's the reason I've had just the slightest confidence boost lately- just enough confidence to do important stuff I'm scared to do like asking for help when I need it.

We kept getting closer and closer, and Shaun started joking around that he didn't wanna know what we did in Churchill's tank. I told him to fuck off because we weren't dating or anything, and he actually seemed genuinely surprised to hear that. He kinda froze up and was like, "You're not dating? Yeah right, he literally knows you have a crush on him and you told the whole world you guys were cuddling."

That was pretty awkward for me, but I didn't really say anything else. Shaun started trying to get us to start dating because, and I quote, "I'm bored so it's funny." After that, he also told us to get a room basically any time we had any interactions with each other and other typical kiddie shit. Bestie sure doesn't act like an adult and yet his age is our bodie's age.

Anyways, I actually did get the balls to ask out Churchill, but not from Shaun. It was from my best friend who's the host of a system and was in a similar situation because he also had a crush on one of his alters. Next thing I know, they started dating. So, I decided to try my own luck while claiming it was 80 percent 'for the lols.' My IRL best friend called out my BS on that part.

I was expecting to be rejected because:
a. That's some furry shit. Granted I'm openly a furry but that's still some furry shit.
b. I didn't even think Churchill liked me back.
c. It didn't seem like it'd 'fit' his personality.

To my absolute surprise, Churchill actually said yes. Since I wasn't expecting that answer I didn't know how to respond, so I called him a kuudere tsundere to put the spotlight on him instead. He didn't know what that meant, so I explained it to him and accused him of being one again.

Shaun caught wind that Churchill and I started dating, so he started teasing me about it. This time he was also including a lot of dirty jokes, some of which were way too far and genuinely disturbing. I told him to cut the shit because it wasn't funny, and thank god he actually stopped.

Then, yesterday, I had to trigger myself because I didn't want my IRL best friend to realize I'd been bluffing the whole time so I went through with my threat. What was it? I threatened to say the most NSFW shit I could think of if they didn't stop some semi-annoying thing they were doing. They said I was bluffing {I had been} and kept doing it, and I decided I didn't want to get called out on my bluffing so I actually fucking did it. Cue me almost making myself cry because I didn't wanna talk about anything like that. I started trembling so badly I could hardly stand and the world felt like it was closing in on me.

I practically immediately started dissociating, but the trauma holders didn't like that I was gonna split. They said I didn't get to look away by splitting, so every time I split they just regurgitated the memories right back to me. I kept trying to get away from what I'd said, which made CFO and The Boiler INCREDIBLY pissed off at me. I stopped running away after that and just accepted my fate because CFO warned me that I could start another major conflict if I wasn't careful.

My IRL bestie asked me if I was okay, and I forced myself to laugh. I didn't wanna seem weak. I forced myself to grin and said, "Eh, I just triggered myself. I'll be fine."

Bestie called out my BS on that, but I kept insisting I was fine until they had no choice but to go along with my lie. I also apologized to Churchill profusely because I'd warned him that he was about to be the victim of awful comments I was gonna say to prove I hadn't been bluffing, but I don't think that's what he had in mind. That was the least triggering I could make it for myself while still easily finding an excuse to say it wasn't the least triggering to say I was "strong." Churchill was pretty disappointed in me and said I should've just admitted I'd been bluffing instead of taking it a step too far, but he helped me calm down.

When I finally got home from school, I played Toontown because I didn't have the mental capacity for anything else. Of course, to have a VERY relaxing experience, I did a two star field office. Somebody there was doing their first FO, didn't warn us about that so we didn't know we had to explain the meta until we got to the boiler room, and THEN they attacked the boiler while it was on defense even though we warned them like five times not to. We also warned them killing cogs during the defense round was pointless and your goal is to make sure they all get hit and keeping everybody alive, but they wasted a Barnacle Bessie anyways. Oh, a cog also got promoted all the way to level 18 {we'd been spending so many turns trying to keep the newbie alive} and our hitting-boiler-on-defense friend got killed shortly afterwards... We had to level 7 spam on the boiler just to make it out of there alive. It got to the point we stopped worrying about matching throw and squirt and just threw our most powerful gags we had left at the boiler.

Yeah, so I ended up not even getting much of a relaxing gaming experience because of stuff like that field office {and don't get me started on the DA office with the awful RNG and a soundless toon who didn't at least know the 'you fuck up the puzzle, you level 7 or SOS' rule}.

Whew, okay, I think that's everything I needed to rant about.