Periodic System Journal

Arsenic + Captain Churchill - 14. April, 2022

So, the rest of yesterday was an absolute shit show. So much so that I'm writing about it right now at 6:30 AM.

If you're wondering why I chose to write Churchill's name out instead of just a +1, it's because he's playing such an active role while being co-conscious that I figured this was the best way to do him justice. My story about what happened will explain that perfectly.

It started out as a normal evening, but then a bunch of trauma holders started to bombard me with trauma memories. I was quickly overwhelmed and absolutely traumatized from this, and the protectors had trouble getting it to stop because it was coming from so many trauma holders at once. I thought something had triggered all of them at once, and with my friend's permission as well, I started letting them speak 'through' me to voice what was going on- this included trauma memories they were sharing as well as why.

It turned out they were using me as an example or a demonstration of some kind. They said they were sick and tired of being told to keep me in blissful ignorance of the trauma the system had to suffer while the protectors only did something if they threatened to make their trauma known. Otherwise, they were generally left to suffer alone all in the name of keeping me in the state of blissful ignorance.

After learning about all of that {combined with the recent trauma flood}, I was so upset that I ran to a very specific area of headspace. I sometimes call it the distortion area or the Persona 5 area because it reminds me of the really distorted parts of a palace when you're getting close to the treasure. Regardless of what you wanna call it, it's a probably endless maze of winding hallways and it's a place where alters go to hide from everybody else. If an alter goes here with the intention of hiding, it's almost certain you won't see them for years. My plan was to disappear either forever or at least 30 years.

Knowing it'd be harder to find me the longer they waited, Tanya and Buttercup practically immediately started looking for me. With their advantage of not getting lost and confused about directions so easily {while I do constantly}, they were able to find me in just an hour. When they found me, I didn't want to return to the main part of headspace. I refused to come with them, so they brought over other alters to convince me to come back. My breaking point was when Shaun called me his brother.

I returned to the main part of headspace, and that's where I learned that like 90% of the reason Tanya and Buttercup were able to find me was because Captain Churchill was also helping them. He'd been fronting after I ran away and apparently keeping my concerned friend updated about what was happening in headspace while simultaneously helping Tanya and Buttercup look for me. I also learned that CFO and Patty started to negotiate with the trauma holders about how they could make their traumas known while not overwhelming me again, otherwise it'd cause more harm to everyone.

I tried to front, but I quickly learned that I couldn't effectively do that anymore. The trauma flood left me so traumatized that if I front on my own, all that'll happen is I'll start crying and having a mental breakdown. Basically, I've become a trauma holder too. However, with the support of another alter, I'm able to front and appear normal. Since Churchill had just been fronting and was apparently the brains behind finding me, I guess he's my guardian now. And bestie doesn't call himself a protector, sure.

Anyways, now in order for me to front without immediately having a mental breakdown, I have to literally lean on Churchill. He calls it helping 'a wounded soldier,' I call it being weak and pathetic.

Yep... that's the crazy drama that happened last night after I literally said I was hoping for a drama-free night. CFO and Patty have yet to return, so for now the system is being run almost entirely by Tanya, Buttercup, Shaun, and Churchill. I'm basically only here because I'm the host.