Periodic System Journal

Arsenic - 9. May, 2022

I've got one hell of an icky feeling today. It's all because of two things that happened, well, technically yesterday because this is another 1 AM entry.

First, let's start with the one that's easier to explain why I feel icky.

People on the Internet never cease to amaze me with how rotten they can be. Today, somebody posted a recipe for crafting crystals in the artist Discord server I mod for. I don't really care about crystals or doing crafts in general, so I didn't really read the recipe. I just read something about coins and blowing bubbles through a straw, thought it sounded stupid, and moved on with my life.

Somebody else read more carefully than I did and realized this crafting recipe was more like a recipe for death. The recipe asks you to mix baking soda, salt, ammonia, and bleach together. Well... ammonia and bleach mixed together makes some HIGHLY toxic fumes that can kill you. Not only that, but the 'recipe' asks you to blow bubbles through a straw INTO this mixture for 10 minutes. Aka, you'd be breathing in this toxic gas for a while {or die trying}.

That's just... I honestly can't figure out why somebody would post shit like that online. It makes me feel so disgusting inside and lose so much faith in humanity. The fact somebody would have the guts to tell a bunch of people to kill themselves while making them think they'd be getting some cool crafting project is mortifying. I know people online are screwed up, but holy shit. That's a whole new level of fucked.

And the other thing that made me feel icky inside today?

Well... it was because of my brother.

My brother is off in college or something like that; I don't really pay much attention to his life. I haven't spoken to him since the last time he paid my dad a visit, which was luckily just an overnight stay because they were watching some football game together. Before that, a week stay for reasons I don't care to remember. And before that, Christmas. I absolutely despise every second I'm around him, so I HATE it when he comes over to visit my dad.

But you know what? I have a right to hate my brother. When I was 7 years old, that bastard had the audacity to rape me. I had to go through months of therapy just to get to the point where I could say that singular sentence without breaking down mentally. I think after he did that to me, I have all the right in the world to hate him and not wanna be around him.

Guess what my brother did?

He showed up on Twitch and Discord while my sister and I were streaming Toontown together. My sister started laughing her ass off randomly, so I asked her what was so funny. I figured 'K' was probably up to something since they tend to make my sister and I laugh a lot.

Instead, the smile from my face faded when she opened with, "A certain brother of ours..."

Brother? Wait, what? What was he doing here? How did he find us? Why was he tormenting us? Was I safe to play with my sister on stream? Should I stop playing Toontown with my sister on stream so I can be safe? Why couldn't I be safe even just to play Toontown?

I was helping my sister through a factory, but I almost alt f4'ed on her and left the Discord call so I could later say my service unexpectedly cut out just because of my brother. I didn't want to play Toontown while he was watching my every move, that was creepy. I didn't want my brother to watch me, but I couldn't really do anything about it. My sister would never ban my brother from anything because she doesn't hate him like I do. She thinks he deserves more chances. She thinks he deserves more chances.

I can't believe her audacity. And yes, she knows what he did to me. She knows all the details because I told her every last one of them, from how he tricked me into thinking we'd just be playing on the Game Cube to how he forced me to take off my clothes.

I'd turn to my friends for emotional support, but they're all too busy for me. My IRL bestie is never available and never wants to talk about anything even remotely triggering {granted we both have a lot of triggers but sometimes when you really need to vent but you can't, it's so fucking frustrating because you can't even vent}. One of my Internet besties has SO much system drama going on right now that I'm actually really worried about them. My second Internet bestie almost always complains about their own brother if I mention mine, so I stopped complaining about him to them. My third Internet bestie hasn't been online lately. And finally, I already ranted to 'K' yesterday- PLUS, they're not online the most often either.

Basically, I'm kind of alone right now.

Sigh... well, goodbye safe haven of a Discord server and Twitch channel. It was nice knowing you when you were safe for me to be active in, but now I'm gonna have to find a way to leave because I can't exist in my brother's presence and my sister won't ban him.