I almost said it. I was so close to spilling everything I've been keeping from my friends, but I didn't. Instead I told him I'd be taking my leave and said good night.
I closed the DMs again. All I could think to myself was, "Why did you talk to him? Why did you send those 5 messages? All you did was make yourself feel worse and basically proved he doesn't really care about you."
But now I can't get rid of him or else my sister will start asking me questions...
Then I talked to another friend. I kept telling myself I sounded too angry and aggressive and I needed to stop being an asshole. I needed to stop being upset because I couldn't make my friend upset. I had to be happy or learn how to act happy. They weren't allowed to know what was really going on.
I couldn't contain it, so I just suddenly stopped talking to them. I told myself I'd be better off dead for messing everything up.
Another friend talked to me. I spilled just a slice of everything that's been happening lately, and they said they didn't know how to respond. I chose to keep everything else to myself because what was the point? I went through so much work to be vulnerable and all I got was, "Idk how to respond." Not worth the effort to vent. It didn't make me feel any better anyways, I just felt worse because of all the stupid questions they were asking. I'm sorry, if those basic bitch answers would've helped me do you think I'd be here on the verge of fucking suicide?
It's tempting. It's so tempting to kill myself right now.
YOU ARE READING
Periodic System Journal
Non-FictionThis is a journal for all members of the DID system known as the Periodic System to write in and publicly share their thoughts.
