With or Without

1. Tong

He threw me out.

I don't know why I spent so much time trying to convince him he still needed me. It was an even bigger mistake than not trusting him the first time around. He was angry with me; for standing up for him. I had taken something he wanted away. Except that had been as far from my intention as anything could get. I wanted to protect him not hurt him.

He told me to leave him alone.
He begged me to leave him alone.
Because my love was poison to him.

I had never seen Pok look at me with such disgust or such anger. He wanted me to let him go. So, I did what he asked and left. There weren't many places to go. In the end, it was Galae who took me in. Not a single word of judgement or condemnation. Just silent acceptance that I needed somewhere to spend the night. He was a good friend.

Leaving Pok, on the other hand, was the hardest thing I had ever tried. Tried, because up until then I had never once succeeded. He had been a part of my life for so long. Much longer than I had his attention. Longer than the time it took him to figure out he liked the idea of sleeping with me. He wanted me but only on his terms. That's why I held out for so long. Knowing that once I gave in, his interest would fade and disappear. I had expected a gradual reckoning. I didn't expect his affection to disappear overnight.

It was going to take time to get over him.
It took so much effort not to think of him.
I had to fight every instinct—and most times I lost.

Whenever I saw him, I had to walk in the opposite direction. Whenever I thought something was going on with or around him, I had to distract myself from the worry and concern. Whenever our friends met, I made up an excuse not to be there. They noticed but they didn't push. Nothing was right with us and it was obvious. I wouldn't have known what to tell them anyway. I wanted him to be happy. He claimed to be happiest without me.

"What do you think you're doing?" The accusation came out of nowhere catching me by surprise.

I was pinned to a wall and Pok was looking at me like he wanted to kill me.

"What...?" I had to think. I hadn't done anything to him. I hadn't been around him in days...wait, I think I'd made it an entire week. I muted the group chat and returned his keys. "I haven't done anything."

"Who the hell was that you were talking to?"

"Talking to?" I looked around and the only person I could see was my peer mentor. "Who do you mean?"

"Are you playing dumb?"

His hands were biting to my arm. Fuck. I had forgotten he did that. His way of showing me that I belonged to him. Marking me like I was his possession. Making sure everyone knew I was taken; not by saying it, by leaving evidence on my skin. He hadn't done it in a while. He hadn't wanted to. He hadn't had cause to give a shit.

Until now.

I had forgotten what it did to me. At least, my mind had pushed it so far back that it wasn't an ever-present ache for something I couldn't get, eating away at me like an incurable disease. My body remembered. Remembered and desired. I was hard after the first question. Trying to catch my breath when he slammed me against the wall. The hold to my arm...that made my knees weak. I missed him.

"What is the matter with you?" Pok asked. Pulling me away from the wall and slamming me back against it again.

"Hey...is everything alright?" The security guard was looking at us like he couldn't decide what he was seeing.

If I was honest, I wasn't sure of what was going on either. But the question was enough to get Pok to move away. Give me the space I needed to come back to my senses.

"Everything is fine," I said even though my voice trembled.

The guard was either very distrusting or very intuitive. "Get out of here then. I don't want to see you hanging around like vagrants."

Pok and I wai'd. It was best not to attract any more attention by being disrespectful. I started walking away but Pok grabbed a hold of my hand and pulled me with him. "I need to talk to you."

I stopped in my tracks. His grip pulling me forward but I pulled back hard enough to sever his hold on me. "I don't think I can do that."

It was the truth. I couldn't be near him. Not when everything in me wanted to beg him to take me back. Not when everything I needed was his to give and he'd vowed to have nothing to do with me. I couldn't. "I have to go."

"Tong..."

He hadn't said my name like that in so long. The longing in it was tangible. The ready response of my own need reaching back even though I was trying to get away from him. I was weak enough to stop. I was strong enough to fight my desire to give him what he wanted.

Self-preservation won.
But I lost.

I walked away and didn't look back. I made it only as far as the first secluded corner before I crumpled to the ground. The first sob was loud, the ones after it muted by my hand over my mouth.

I would never get over him. That was my lesson for the day. I would never stop thinking about him or wanting him or loving him. But I could continue avoiding him. I could make sure nothing like this ever happened again. I had to make a few drastic decisions.

The first was letting everyone know we were no longer together. That was the easy part. I wrote the text in the group chat before I chickened out. That wouldn't be enough. If they were my friends and Pok's, they would try to understand what had happened and insist we talk it out. They would be supportive and caring.

It would keep Pok and I locked in orbit around each other.
I couldn't have that.