With or Without

21. Tong

The entire time I had been acting like a jealous fool, there had been no one to be jealous of. How did that even make sense? Then again, I had used P'X as a reference. Listened to him instead of verifying the information he gave me. It had been hard enough to realize Pok was right about his interest in me. It was my fault for not checking when he let that little kernel of information drop.

"I'm an idiot," I said shaking my head.

"Why would you say that?"

"I listened to P'X because I didn't want you to be right. But it wasn't really about him. I was jealous. It was easier to pretend they didn't exist because the alternative was the desire to stab whoever you were dating or admit that there was someone better for you than me."

Pok put his head on my shoulder. It took me a minute to realize he was shaking—from laughter. I couldn't believe he was laughing at me. I put a hand over my face to hide my embarrassment only to have him pull it away when he sat up to look at me.

"I didn't know you were possessive over me."

It was even more embarrassing to have him call me out like that. But now that I knew how he felt, I couldn't act like it didn't matter. I wanted to put my stamp on him so nobody would think he was available. That didn't happen in private, hidden away like a dirty little secret.

"I'm not. I mean...I am...I guess. I just...I can't force you to stay with me if you don't want to. But I can't survive on just sex."

"Just sex...what are you talking about?" He asked frowning at me like I was speaking Greek.

"We've had sex every time we've met. Every time we are together, you..."

I couldn't say all the things we did together. All the things he made me feel. But I felt the heat rise in my face like the admission of guilt. I couldn't blame him for what I had wanted just as badly. I had to sit up only Pok wasn't letting go of me so we ended up in a more intimate version of the position we'd been in while we had breakfast.

"I made love to you in the hope that you'll hear me. See that I'm serious. That I'm not just going to walk away. That I'm willing to do the work of courting you and dating you and being with you. Not taking you for granted because you're always there." He explained.

The sob that escaped me was a shock to both of us. I had to get my breathing under control while he rubbed my chest. It would have been so like him. He talked with his body. But I had been so busy hating mine that I hadn't heard what he was saying. Or maybe I hadn't dared believe him. It was too scary to hope.

"Please tell me I didn't fail so miserably that you don't know how I feel about you. Please tell me you know I love you."

"Oh, God," I choked on my own shame for not recognizing what he meant. For not being able to figure it out until he said it out loud. But it gave me the courage I needed. "Pok...I love you too. So much."

It was my turn to make sure he understood. Taking a leaf from him, I told him everything.

"You have to know...I never wanted to hurt you. Never. Not even when I reported the bullying to the Dean. I just wanted to protect you. Everything I've ever done, I did for you. Please believe that if you don't believe anything else."

"I do."

"You do?"

"I told you Coach did a little digging. He's the one who convinced the Dean to reinstate the team. Coach was the one who threw those guys off."

"Then why did they put me on academic probation?" I asked.

"I'm sorry. What?"

"I went back...after what happened and told them it was a mistake. That I had misunderstood the situation. They told me it was against the rules to make a false claim, said they were going to reinstate the team and they put me on academic probation. If I fail any of my classes, I'm out."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

What could he have done? The team was back. It didn't matter how. The rest...I just had to make sure to keep my grades up and with all the extra credit, I was on the right track.

"You were so happy about being back on the team...I didn't want to bog you down."

"You wouldn't have. We would have been able to sort this out easily. Especially since it was your report that got Coach to investigate. He told me I should thank you for what you did because he never would have known there were such bad apples in the batch."

"I'm glad it worked out."

"Not yet. We will go to the Dean when classes resume. It's not fair that they should punish the one person who did absolutely nothing wrong."

I never expected Pok to be like this—not about what I had done to him. I thought there was more than enough blame to place on my head. I couldn't even deny the part being so scared had played in adding incentive. Without it, I might have given up. That would not have been what either of us wanted.

"Can we wait until the results come out?"

"Why?"

"Because there is no reason to put a bullseye on your forehead for something already done. If I pass my exams it won't matter. And if I fail, there's very little anyone can do anyway."

"You're not going to fail."

What he meant was you better not fail. But I liked that he had restrained himself. It was so easy to lean forward and kiss him. But the moment our lips touched, I realized what I had done. "Sorry...I wasn't thinking."

"That's nice," he said with that same cheeky smile I was coming to appreciate more and more. "Why don't you come over here and not think some more." Making a sweeping gesture that encompassed his entire body.

I grabbed his arm and used him to lift myself and straddle his hips. Pok immediately reached for my ass and drew me closer to his body bringing us in greater proximity.

"This is not what I had in mind."

"This is definitely what I had in mind."

He pressed me down as he lifted his body. I could feel his erection and my body reacted immediately to his. I wanted him to do that again.

"Pok."

"Fuck, Tong...I think..."

"Stop doing that."

"I can't..." He pleaded.

"I don't mean...moving your body. Stop thinking. Just...make love to me."

"Tong..."

"Fine..."