With or Without

18. Pok

I woke up to the sound of the door slamming. It took me a minute to figure out where I was; what was going on. I rushed to the door, ready to drag Tong back to bed and remind him we had an agreement. But I stopped when I heard the muted voices coming through the door.

I heard Tong's, "Good morning."

It was unnaturally loud and happy. Like a flight attendant seeing people off after hours in the air. Too jovial to be sincere.

"Keep...voice down."

The mumbled words were hard to make out but the meaning was clear. I had no idea why Phai would be up so early but I was more interested in what Tong would say about his presence outside my room at this time. I underestimated his power of deflection.

"Shouldn't you be sleeping off your hangover?"

"Speak for yourself," Phai shot back but it sounded pained and the groan that followed confirmed it.

"Go back to bed. Whatever this is can wait." Tong said but his voice sounded even more muffled. I had to press my ear to the door to hear anything.

"...conversation with Pok?"

That sounded suspiciously like Sandee but I could barely make out the words let alone who was speaking. Then again, Phai would never say something like that to Tong and Tong would never bring it up. I was moments away from opening the door to confirm what I was hearing.

Only to be stopped in my tracks when I heard Tong shout, "What?"

I had never heard Tong take that tone with anyone. He sounded—angry. Like he could punch someone and it was anyone's guess if they ever got up again. It was too quiet out in the hallway. I knew if I made any attempt to open my door, they would notice. If I stepped out, everything would change and I wanted to find out what their interactions were like when I wasn't present. I vacillated just long enough that they recovered themselves.

"You don't want to talk to him...he's been trying to apologize to..."

This time I was certain it was Phai talking. He'd known of my intentions but he didn't know that every attempt on my part to actually tell Tong I was sorry had ended very differently.

"What do you mean?"

How could Tong not know? Then again, if I hadn't told him directly, how did I expect him to know?

"Talk to him," Phai said emphatically. "You know you want to. Isn't that what...yesterday...an understanding?"

He sounded like a karaoke singer playing with the microphone. His voice going in and out in waves that left too many gaps for me to make out what he was saying. But in this case, it wasn't that hard to figure it out. It made complete sense in the context of what Tong had said to me last night. He'd wanted to talk...and I'd distracted him.

"What makes you think we haven't?"

"You still look sad."

That was definitely Sandee. He wasn't one to sugarcoat anything. It was his best and worst quality all rolled into one. His observations skills coming a close second because I didn't hear Tong's denial. He wasn't happy. That meant I'd failed to make him understand my feelings.

"How hard is it to say sorry?" One of them asked and I felt like a punch to the gut.

They weren't talking to me but it felt like they were. Like they were all standing outside the door looking through it, at me where I was hiding like a coward. Calling me out.

"Ask your boyfriend."

Wait? Boyfriend? Who was Tong talking about? Was he alluding to how sweet and chummy Phai and Sandee were acting (and the fact that they were together at this hour) or was it someone else pointing out that I had turned into a wuss?

"Have you told him the part you played in keeping him from...?"

"What's he talking about?"

"...giving advice about something you don't...understand."

"You shouldn't spite yourself to get back at me. I did what I did...between Pok...me. You did what you did. Pok needs to own his shit."

Listening to them was the equivalent of an auditory jigsaw puzzle with missing pieces. I could make sense of the overall picture but it took some doing to join the dots. They were fighting dirty. Pocking at the places they knew hurt. I didn't want to see my friends like this. But that was probably my fault as well.

I had helped them create this mess by keeping silent. I might have been happy to punch Sandee in the face and throw Tong out of our room but my feelings had changed so drastically since then, I wasn't even the same person. Did they know that or had I believed in my own bullshit for so long, I couldn't see past my righteous indignation to the damage I was doing?

I had drifted away from the door. Lost in thought that by the time I remembered what I had been doing, they were gone. I wasn't superstitious enough to see it as a sign of things to come. But it was enough to light a fire under me. I needed a plan. A better one than what I'd been doing so far.

There was a sense of urgency riding me. I knew I had to do something drastic or the situation would completely get away from me. The damage, irreparable. The only trouble was, there was only one place I could get the kind of advice I wanted.

I picked up my phone only to put it down and pick up a pad and paper. On a fresh sheet, I wrote Tong's name. Then I added faen underneath. Then I found the familiar contact and pressed the call button. Hoping I wouldn't chicken out before it connected.

"Hello...?"

"Hello. Is it too early to be calling like this?" I asked wiping my hands in turn as I switched the phone from one side to the other.

"It's never too early for you."

Even after the preparation, it was hard to start the conversation but I knew the best solution was to dive right in.

"I hurt someone I care about and I don't know what to do to fix things."

I expected a request for clarifications, even recriminations. Instead, I got one question, "Can it be fixed?"

"I think so," I hedged then backtracked, "No...I know it can."

"What's stopping you?"

That was a good question. I'd been thinking about what I wanted from my relationship but not what was keeping me from claiming Tong and rebuilding our lives together. I wanted him back but I was afraid that it would be a repetition of the same lies and betrayal.

"I don't want to get hurt again."

"But you know that's going to happen whether you like it or not. The difference is that you're able to talk about it. And I mean talking—none of those favours and gifts you like giving to get out of saying you're sorry."

"I don't..."

I was ready to deny the accusation but it stuck in my throat. I'd been doing it all along. Showing up at Tong's apartment and distracting. Everything I did was calculated. All in the hope that he would forgive me without me asking for it. Tong didn't have the benefit of knowing me well enough to understand that. But at least I knew what I was doing wrong.

"So, when do we get to meet this friend of yours?"

"I don't know. Let me find out if he still wants anything to do with me and I'll get back to you."

"Are you sure about this?"

That was the easiest question I'd ever been asked. Because the only answer was, "Yes."