With or Without

25. Pok

Iwas right about being a bear the entire time I was with Tong. Practice hadn'tgone well. My nerves turned me into a bumbling mess. I'd fumbled my starts. Ibotched my tumble turns. I screamed at Coach to get the hell off my back when Iforgot to do fly (and did breaststroke twice) in the individual medley.

But I stuck next to Tong the whole time we were running our errands. He was the only thing keeping me from falling apart. It didn't help that a part of me wanted to stay close to him because if was right there with him, he couldn't be plotting something against me.

It was an uncharitable thought but the way my knees quivered whenever Tong was out of sight left me little choice. I hated myself for thinking that way and an unspecific apology lingered where I could constantly taste it.

We were lounging on the bed. Tong had his back to the wall while I leaned against his chest. His knees forming very nice armrests. He had his arms around my chest and I liked how the added weight forced me to take deep cleansing breaths.

"It's going to be alright," he said out of the blue.

Did he know something I didn't? Was he letting me know there wasn't any plot being hatched behind my back? Or was he just being a good boyfriend? Reassuring me that it would be alright even though there was no way he could know that.

I was desperate enough to accept both possibilities. If I couldn't trust myself (and the fears my mind was creating for me) I would have to trust Tong. If he said it was going to be alright, I believed him.

There were many quotes and sayings about letting go. I couldn't remember a single one of them. But something had shifted in the night. Sleeping next to Tong felt safe. It's not a word I would have ever used around him before. But it fit. Just the same way his love for me fit.

So, when he told me to go ahead to the pool, I didn't question him. There was so much I needed to do before the gala started and dragging him along would be senseless torture. The last-minute pep-talk from the coach had us all set to fight, fight, fight. We warmed up together and then...waited.

The opening ceremony was quick. The organizing committee and the National Swimming Council welcomed everyone and gave a run-down of the rules and regulations. They told everyone how to follow the program and with far less fanfare than most other sports, our three-day regional swim meet began.

I had hits for all but one of my races. The 1500-metre freestyle didn't attract enough participants so anyone with a qualifying time automatically made the final. That meant, I spent the better part of the first day going from one event to another.

I occasionally heard my name shouted and every time it happened, I smiled so wide my cheeks hurt. I had scoped out the bleachers to see where Tong and the rest of our friends were sitting. I was extremely conscious of his presence. He was my personal cheerleader and I didn't want his efforts to be in vain.

At the end of the day, I had qualified for the 50- and 100-metre freestyle, the 400-metre relay, the individual medley and the 100-metre backstroke. I was in so much trouble.

"Will you manage that many races?" Coach asked me at the end of the day.

Neither of us expected me to qualify for every race I participated in. But I was going to have to give it my all in the finals no matter what.

"Six races in two days isn't so bad," I tried to reassure him but it was more for myself.

I made my way to the exit where Tong was standing alone. I didn't ask him where everyone else had gone. I was happy they weren't there because what I had to say was only for Tong's ears.

"You are bad for me," I growled out.

"What? Why?"

"Because I love seeing you like this; happy. It makes me want to work harder. So, it's your fault because I've qualified for everything. I am going to be so exhausted. You have to take responsibility for what you've done."

"That's a good problem to have, right?"

"Maybe," I hedged. It was too early to call it. "We'll see how it goes tomorrow."

Phai and Sandee joined us. They offered to take us out for dinner. It was too early to celebrate but it was nice to hang out and do something that didn't have anything to do with swimming. I was tired but not from swimming. The daily practice sessions were far more physically exhausting.

The mental fatigue that came with hurry up and wait for each event, the results of the events, the placement by time and confirmation to represent the university at the nationals is what really took a toll.

I just wanted to curl up next to Tong and sleep. I was operating on autopilot until we made it to Tong's room. We bumped into his neighbour and I immediately noticed his senior's glare. Tong was extremely polite as he wai'd deeply.

"What was that about?" I asked looking back to where his neighbour had disappeared into the lift.

"Nothing..."

"Maybe we should go to our place next time," I told him fully aware that he was keeping something from me but not sure I cared what.

I muscled him into the room and didn't stop until he was at the bathroom door. Tong needed to shower while I emptied my sports bag. I hang up the wet towels and swimsuits and then repacked the bag. I changed out of my tracksuit into a pair of sleeping shorts, keeping on the t-shirt I put on after my shower.

Tong stepped out of the bathroom dressing in the same ensemble. But I was pretty sure he looked better than me.

"You should get in bed," he said.

I didn't tell him I didn't want to sleep just yet. I just wanted to sit there with him. "I'm not tired yet."

"We can read in bed," he said cracking open a textbook.

That was so like him I didn't even blink. I just looked over his shoulder and after catching a few impossible-to-read words, I flopped back onto my side of the bed. "You're just trying to get me to sleep early."

"Is that a bad thing? There's nothing else to do and I don't have a TV so..."

"There's always something to do," I said perking up at the opening he was giving me.

"No. I'm vetoing that idea. You need your rest."

"You're no fun," I pouted but it had no effect on him whatsoever.

"If that's what it takes."

I reached for my bag and reluctantly pulled out the novel I'd been reading between hits. I hadn't gotten very far when the words started swimming. I just needed to rest them for a minute.

~

The second day was calmer. I didn't have any hits but I had the three of my qualifiers. They were spread throughout the day which meant I had more time to hang out with other participants. It was the same cycle each time.

The half-hour before a race was nerve-wracking. I could barely hold a sensible conversation. Then we got onto the starting block and I blocked everything out (except the occasional search for Tong in the stands). Once the starting shot went off, it was about letting my training kick in. Racing to the finish line and doing it fast enough to beat everyone else.

It was extremely competitive but that was the point. Everyone performed that much better when they had someone to compete against. If, like most competitors, your muscle memory was strong enough, nothing could break your focus. No false start or technical mistake mattered. You kept going until the final buzzer.

Once the race was over, the adrenaline would dissipate leaving us feeling drained. Some people snacked (that was normal) or sat in the sun like lizards; warming up our blood and cooling down our muscles. Only to perk up half an hour later and start the cycle again.

I had to do that four times. Even the excitement of earning several slots at the national championships was not enough to perk me up at the end of the day. I was completely beat.

I needed a bed. I needed Tong.

I would be supremely happy if I got both.