With or Without

21. Pok

"I'm an idiot," Tong said and he looked so dejected I didn't immediately respond.

"Why would you say that?"

"I listened to P'X because I didn't want you to be right. But it wasn't even about him. I was so jealous of you and whoever... It was easier to pretend they didn't exist. The alternative was the desire to stab them or admit someone out there was better for you than me."

We were quite the pair, weren't we? I was so mad at him for laughing at me but I couldn't hold my laughter now. Not even when I tried to press my head to his shoulder and hide. He flicked my forehead forcing me to sit up and look at him. Only for him to cover it with both his hands.

"I didn't know you were possessive over me."

"I'm not. I mean...I am...I guess. I just...I can't force you to stay with me if you don't want to. But I can't survive on just sex."

"Just sex...what are you talking about?"

"We've had sex every time we've met. Every time we are together, you..."

This is exactly what I'd been warned about. Assuming he understood what I was saying when I didn't say it out loud. The same silence I had held against him was coming back to bite me in the ass. I was so desperate for him to understand I didn't stop to second guess myself.

"I made love to you in the hope that you'll hear me. See that I'm serious. That I'm not just going to walk away. That I'm willing to do the work of courting you and dating you and being with you. Not taking you for granted because you're always there," I said.

I knew it rang hollow.
There was no way for him to know all that.

I didn't know how much speaking the words mattered until I heard his sob (and shocked gasp). How had I fucked things up so badly? I pulled him into my arms. Rubbing his back as I whispered over and over again, "I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I'm sorry." I wasn't about to let him go on thinking I didn't care.

It took a while but he eventually calmed down. I wiped his tears and held his chin so he had to look at me. Nodding my head when he frowned at me like he couldn't believe what I had said.

"Please tell me I didn't fail so miserably that you don't know how I feel about you. Please tell me you know I love you."

"Oh, God." That was such a damning answer. But he didn't stop there, "Pok...I love you too. So much."

He sat up quickly and faced me. I didn't like that he had to square his shoulder and take a deep breath before he looked at me but if I was willing to speak my truth, I had to be willing to hear his. I just wasn't sure what to expect. And I was so afraid...

"You have to know...I never wanted to hurt you. Never. Not even when I reported the bullying to the Dean. I just wanted to protect you. Everything I've ever done, I did for you. Please believe that if you don't believe anything else."

"I do." I did.

It had been hard to accept but there was no room for the incongruence I felt by thinking Tong was a bad guy. He might have made a mistake. But that didn't mean he was doing it out of malice or spite.

"You do?"

"I told you Coach did a little digging. He's the one who convinced the Dean to reinstate the team. Coach was the one who threw those guys off."

"Then why did they put me on academic probation?"

He was talking to himself but I heard him clearly. "I'm sorry. What?"

"I went back...after what happened and told them it was a mistake. That I had misunderstood the situation. They told me it was against the rules to make a false claim, said they were going to reinstate the team and they put me on academic probation. If I fail any of my classes, I'm out."

"Why didn't you tell me?"

"You were so happy about being back on the team...I didn't want to bog you down."

"You wouldn't have. We would have been able to sort this out easily. Especially since it was your report that got Coach to investigate. He told me I should thank you for what you did because he never would have known there were such bad apples in the batch."

"I'm glad it worked out."

"Not yet. We will go to the Dean when classes resume. It's not fair that they should punish the one person who did absolutely nothing wrong."

"Can we wait until the results come out?"

"Why?"

"Because there is no reason to put a bullseye on your forehead for something already done. If I pass my exams it won't matter. And if I fail, there's very little anyone can do anyway."

"You're not going to fail," I told him.

It wasn't just because I believed in him. It was because he was that good. I'd seen him put in the effort and never complain. I was in awe of him and I didn't want him believing he was anything less than amazing.

Maybe he could read minds because he smiled at me then leaned forward and kissed me. It was a sweet kiss but over too fast. Then he looked aghast.

"Sorry...I wasn't thinking."

"That's nice." If that's what I got when he wasn't thinking... "Why don't you come over here and not think some more."

I wanted him all over me and he understood instructions very well because he straddled my hips. I drew him closer so his ass was over my cock and I could press into him. Even through our clothes, it was deeply erotic. I wanted more but his hands on my chest were keeping me at bay.

"This is not what I had in mind."

"This is definitely what I had in mind," I countered and thrust my hips while holding him down.

"Pok..."

Was that my name or was it a plea? Did it matter? I thrust again. Barely keeping my balance when he moaned loudly. I had no reference for the animalistic sounds coming from me but I had to make him understand.

"Fuck, Tong...I think..."

"Stop doing that."

"I can't..."

"I don't mean...moving your body..." he said pulling me up so I was closer to him. "Stop thinking. Just...make love to me."

"Tong...?"

"Fine..."

It didn't sound fine at all.