With or Without

2. Pok

He told everyone we broke up.

It wasn't a very well-kept secret but there was a finality to it. Putting the information where others could see it made it clear that there was no chance they could get back together. It was final when he left the chat. I wanted to find him and tell him he had no right to walk away. That he couldn't go.

Except when I told him to.
And I had told him to.

"Why didn't you tell us what was happening with the swim team?" Phai asked.

"I didn't want to cause any trouble." How could I explain how much this meant to me? The thoughts of what might have been had been dogging me for weeks. The constant reminder of what I had missed out on. It was impossible not to think about it when there was evidence everywhere we went.

I wanted to forget about it. But every time I looked at Tong I was reminded of it. Not just the loss but the betrayal. Every time I saw my medals and knew what was missing, I could feel the anger rising inside me. Meeting my junior from high school and seeing the picture of him with that medal should have made me proud. I hated that I was overrun by envy.

"They hurt you." It was a statement, not a question.

"I'm okay." I wasn't.

Tong had taken the chance from me again. The last time, I had used it to blackmail him. This time, there was nothing I wanted from him. At least that's what I told myself when I looked at the chat hoping that it was a mistake he was gone.

I needed to see him.

It had been days and it felt like a part of me was missing. I walked around our apartment aimlessly but it didn't feel right. I knew he didn't want to talk to me but that didn't mean I couldn't be around him in some way. But he was really good at avoiding me. It was like he knew exactly where I was going to be and made a point of not being there.

Thinking to take matters into my own hands, I went to Galae's room. I wanted to go up and see him but I had no reason to. I doubt he would let me in and I doubted I could come up with an excuse good enough to make it seem like I wasn't sending him mixed signals.

I lingered outside like a crazy stalker. Making no move to either go up to see him or leave. It was a good thing I was so undecided because I was rewarded by the sight of him carrying his bags and books into a taxi. I checked the chat but there was no mention of Galae helping Tong move. With Tong out of the chat, there was no way I would be privy to that information. If he had told anyone, it wasn't going to be me.

It was easy to get a motorbike ride and follow him. The building he stopped at was just outside the university grounds but it was populated by students. It was convenient enough and he didn't have to go through the rigmarole of getting a dorm room this late in the term. But why hadn't he stayed with Galae? I wanted to find out exactly that from him.

I came up behind the taxi just in time to watch Tong walked into the building with his suitcase. The taxi driver made a show of pulling the other belongings from the car but didn't remove one. Instead, he closed the door and made his way to the driver's side. Constantly looking over his shoulder presumably to make sure Tong couldn't see him.

I waited until he started the car to make my way in front of the car effectively blocking his path.

"Hey kid, I'm trying to get out of here." He shouted through the driver-side window.

"And I'm trying to help my friend move. So, if you would open the trunk, I'll get his things out."

"He's upstairs with his stuff already."

"Right...and the stuff that's still in there?" I asked, indicating the backpack and boxes of books.

The driver gave me an appraising stare and I knew he was debating the prudence of his current plan or copping to it and accepting the failure. He made the right choice and opened the boot. Stepping out to help me carry out Tong's remaining bags. We had the well arranged in the foyer of the building long before Tong came back.

"Thank you for not driving off with my friend's things," I told the driver.

The security guard was surprised when he heard that but he quickly offered to watch Tong's belongings until he came back. I told him not to tell Tong what had happened and he was more than happy to let the matter drop. It was his job to look out for things after all and this made him look bad.

The driver didn't stick around long after that and neither did I. I knew where Tong had moved to. I didn't have to see him every day. But if I weaned myself off him slowly, I would probably have better luck getting him out of my system.

I should have come up with a better plan. Watching Tong from afar was a different kind of torture. There were people constantly vying for his attention. He was utterly oblivious. At first, I thought it was because he didn't realize his own appeal. But it became obvious that he wasn't interested. Not in them, not in anything.

He had dark circles under his eyes. He was already thin but he'd lost weight. I wanted to shake him out of it. Tell him to take better care of himself but the egomaniacal part of me was glad. I was glad he was suffering because I was suffering. I was glad he couldn't sleep because I couldn't sleep.

I was torn between the desire to punish him for what he had done to me and the need to take care of him because he needed it.

Then I saw it. The first stirrings of something close to interest. He was a senior in the same class as P'Kit and P'Thanu. He smiled at the other man. Nothing too inviting. But the response was intense. Here was a man who wanted Tong and would do everything he could to get Tong. I couldn't have that.

Watching the way he rubbed Tong's head nearly had me rushing over to pull them apart. But Tong pulled away faster than I could respond. It was very satisfying to see. But it was also unfair. I wanted Tong to myself but I didn't want him. I didn't want to be with him but I didn't want anyone else to have him.

If I really wanted nothing to do with him, I had to let go.

I just didn't know how.