With or Without

4. Pok

I grabbed him right there in the foyer and when he closed his eyes in expectation of violence, I did the opposite. I held him tenderly. Touching his face and watching as he winced in confusion then tried to pull away. I wouldn't let him. I stepped into his space. Bringing our bodies close. Feeling him from chest to thigh. Pulling his head close to mine so our foreheads touched. I could feel his breath against my face. I felt the heat flood my body.

I wanted him.

After everything that had happened, I wanted to feel him in every way. To own his body so he was spoiled for everyone else. To leave marks that went deeper than his skin so he could never wash me off. He'd finally give his love to me and I wasn't going to let him walk away. I was going to drink my fill of him.

I could feel him tense up. Feel his muscle poised to attack. He was done trying to appease me and I was surprised it had taken that long. But I had one last weapon in my arsenal.

I pulled him close and kissed him.

I should never have told him that he would do it to me willingly. It was a challenge on my part that I had failed to realize. He was everything I wanted and, at that moment, I knew it had always been my obsession. My desire. My weakness.

His gasp was loud. Echoing in the empty space and I wanted nothing more than pin him against the wall and show him what I was capable of. But I would not let this be the subject of prying eyes. Tong pushed me away but I just pushed him back.

"Please stop."

Did he think I was even capable of it? I was already too far gone. "Are you going to tell me where you stay?"

"Please..."

"Tell me," I said moving in and teasing his jaw with my lips.

Hinting at the kisses I wanted to give him. The desperation I had to feel him kiss me back. Wishing I didn't have to ask.

"3C."

I would have crowed at the victory if I wasn't busy getting us into the lift as fast as I could. Tong tried to get away from me again but I simply joined him in his corner. I was trying hard not to continue what I had started. But I could convince my body to move w. I hovered over him. My hands were against the wall instead of around his body. Keeping him close without chaining him to me. I was prone to using too much force with him. This was the only compromise.

The elevator ding had a Pavlovian response from me. I moved away to let Tong lead us to his apartment. I didn't know why he was hesitating.

"Open it," I demanded.

Tong didn't react fast enough and I took the keys from him and opened the door myself. I didn't know what to expect. I had all these ideas in my head about how Tong was living...and whom he was living with. I never expected to be so...bare. We had done everything to make our dorm room cosy. It wasn't high design but it reflected both of us. This was functional but sparse.

I watched him move around but he was unnatural; stiff. I was tempted to tell him to relax but the words stuck in my throat when I saw him reach for the wall to steady himself. I was on him before he could double over but the sound of pain he let out had me wondering if I had been too rough; if I had hurt him.

"What's the matter?" I asked pulling him into my arms.

"Please Pok..."

"What? What do you need?"

"I need you to go."

"Tong..." That was out of the question. Even more, now that he wasn't feeling okay.

"Why do you even want to be here?" He looked so miserable. I had no answer for him. I just knew I couldn't leave. "You told me to go and I went. What is this then?"

"Is it that easy for you?" I wondered out loud. I still longed for him with every fibre of my being. I wanted him even when I was mad at him. I missed him so much there were times I felt like it would consume me whole and leave nothing in its wake. I suffered.

But I didn't want to suffer anymore. I wanted to be with him. But I had no clue how to ask for that. How to ask him to come back when I hadn't figured out how to forgive him for what had happened. Without it, I was just wasting his time and mine.

Yet I needed to be close to him. I held him. Needing his arms around me so I could know how far my body went. Only he could do that for me. I was sorry to be so needy. I was sorry that it was harder for me than for him.

"Easy? You think it's easy?" Tong asked angrily. "You can't be serious?"

The passion sending blood rushing into my cock instead of my brain where it belonged. Why was that willingness to fight with me so intoxicating? Because he had never truly fought with me. He had always accepted whatever I said. When I blackmailed him, when I wanted him, when I refused to let him go and when I finally did—he'd just accepted it. I hated that.

"You seem fine." I accused him.

It wasn't true. I could see all the evidence that he wasn't fine. But I wasn't about to let it go. I wanted him to tell me to go fuck myself if that is what he really wanted. I didn't want him to just accept whatever I had to say. Because I couldn't have it like that. It hadn't worked. When he made decisions for me, he made me feel like I wasn't good enough.

When I made decisions for him, I felt like I was pushing him into something he didn't want. We needed to make these decisions together. To get to know each other well enough to understand where we each stood; together and alone. It started with him fighting. And perhaps with me hearing him out.

"And I shouldn't be, right?"

What could I say? I didn't want him to be fine without me. I was glad he wasn't. But I wasn't going to tell him that. I wanted to push him. Poke at him until he was forced to poke back. But I saw his shoulders sag. Heard the sign of defeat.

"Show yourself out."

His dismissal would have been more effective if he hadn't stumbled the minute he tried to step out of my arms. I caught him. Bringing him to the mattress that occupied the bulk of the floor space, I sat him down on the edge and let him rest against my chest.

"What's wrong?" I asked him putting my hand to his forehead.

"What...? Nothing. I'm just..."

He wasn't running a fever and he hadn't complained about feeling unwell. Noticing the container I had placed on the empty milk crate, that seemed to double up as a bedside table and coffee table a thought entered my mind.