With or Without

23. Tong

I didn't expect things to change so quickly. Once we'd spoken, it was as though Pok had these new reserves of energy. I thought he would direct some of it in my direction but he used it to train. I was pissed off. Jealous for his attention. After all, we had just found each other again.

There was nothing hanging between us; no blackmail, no pretence, just us.
So why was he off doing something else? Ugh...I hated myself for even thinking it.

We couldn't spend 24 hours a day in each other's company. That would get very tiresome, very quickly. We couldn't wrap each other up in ourselves and forget the rest of the world existed. He was my everything. I didn't expect him to feel the same way about me.

I just needed something else to fill the time when he was away. It wasn't particularly interesting, but looking into my second-semester courses and starting on my reading list proved to be both challenging and interesting. I didn't even mind that I was studying during my holidays.

"You are such a geek. I sometimes wonder what you're doing with me." Pok said looking over my shoulder at the huge tome on biochemistry I was trying to make sense of.

"You mean slamming it with the hottest jock on the swim team?" I asked turning to face him. He was so close and I momentarily lost my train of thought. "What could possibly have possessed me?"

"I could possess you."

I couldn't decide if he was reading my mind or expressing his own. But I was a little embarrassed by that particular statement. I didn't want to be so transparent but just hearing Pok say it, sent my brain to the most carnal of places. It was all the explanation either of us needed for why I was there and why he couldn't seem to get enough of me.

"How is practise?" I asked softly.

"It was good. It was nice to have the pool to myself."

"Just don't get locked in again. I might not come to save you."

Pok smiled broadly then pointed at me. "Ah-ha. I knew it was you."

"No, you didn't," I denied but it lacked any conviction.

"There wasn't anyone else it could be," he said, coming over to kiss me. I kissed him back readily. The ease of it still catching me by surprise. I held on to him when he could have moved away. "I didn't realize you were so greedy for me."

His arrogance earning him a smack on the shoulder. It wasn't hard. He just smiled knowingly and stole another kiss. It's not like I could pretend I didn't love him. Not that I wanted to.

"So full of yourself," I accused.

"Would you prefer I made you so full of me?"

"Oh God...please stop," I said with a pained groan at his bad lines.

"Are you sure that's what you want?" He asked. He was too close to my ear. The feeling of his breath sending shivers through my entire body.

"You have to get some rest."

"Are you going to send me away?"

"What?"

"Do you want me to go back to my room?"

"No. I meant we can't get all...you know. If you have to concentrate on practise."

"There's this thing called land training. We use it to keep our muscles toned with the full effects of gravity. I'm pretty certain Coach wouldn't mind if I did some land training. And we both know you're very good at it."

I really hoped he was referring to the time I helped him do his push-ups by sitting on his back and not what we'd been doing in bed every night this week. But his lascivious look was enough to make it clear where his mind was.

"Pok..."

"Tong..."

My breath was already fast and shallow. He wasn't even touching me but I wanted him to touch me everywhere. I just didn't know how to ask him. All my courage was gone because he was on the precipice of something he'd wanted for a long time and I could only think of the ways I might accidentally fuck this up if I made even one wrong move. It wouldn't be on purpose—it had never been. But I wasn't immune to wanting what was best for him and not being capable of picking the right thing.

There was only one hope for both of us; honestly. For some reason that felt like admitting that, deep down inside, I was a horrible person.

"What do you need from me?" I finally asked because the merry-go-round of thoughts in my head was making me dizzy.

"Other than to stay by my side for the rest of our lives?" Pok sounded like he was joking and I went with it because the alternative was terrifying.

"I'm serious, Pok. Every time I've tried to help, I somehow fucked up. I don't want to hurt you. I just...I don't know what you want and my head is spinning because if I do nothing, I'm a shitty person and if I do something it might make things worse."

"I want you to be there. I don't want to waste your time or act like my life is more important..." I was about to protest but he put his finger against my mouth to shush me, "I want you to come and watch me, the way you used to. I want you to help me with my land training...and I don't mean the one that happens in bed. Or...not just that. I want you to cheer me on. Nothing else. That's enough, isn't it?"

He looked so shy after asking for what he wanted that I smiled back even though he hadn't moved his finger. Kissing the tip, I pulled it away just enough that I could speak.

"I can do that."

"You can?"

"Definitely. That's all I ever wanted to do."

"So...will you wake up early and come to practise with me tomorrow morning?"

I let out a laugh because there was no way I was waking up at 5 a.m. to go freeze my ass by the pool and Pok knew it.

"No thanks. I would rather stay in bed." Pok pretended to sulk and I pretended not to notice. "I was thinking more along the lines of helping you with your land training...the kind that happens in bed."

His smile was so cheeky and I loved it. He pulled me close. I went into his arms willingly. The way he hugged me filling up places inside me that needed exactly what Pok was giving me. I never thought I would ever get this lucky.