With or Without

23. Pok

I was going to be sick.

Every time I made my way to the pool, I was overcome by a sense of dread so strong it made me feel like I was going to vomit. There was nothing to worry about. This was just my anxiety about the upcoming competition latching onto whatever it could.

Warning me about wanting it too much—or not wanting it enough.

There was no one lurking in corners to beat the crap out of me. There was nothing to stop me from taking my best shot at the national championships...unless I let myself get distracted by things that weren't even there.

It was especially scary because I found myself avoiding Tong. All my fears were inescapably tied to my faen. We had resolved our issues. I knew that where it really mattered, but there was a part of me that wanted to run away as fast as my legs could carry me.

I just hoped Tong didn't figure out what was going on. I didn't need to burden him with something he couldn't do anything about. I had to do better. Maybe if I wasn't obsessing about swimming it wouldn't feel like my insides were trying to escape my body.

"You are such a geek," I said to Tong when I found him studying even though he was supposed to be enjoying his break. "I sometimes wonder what you're doing with me."

I didn't mean to sound so pathetic and when Tong turned to look at me, I knew he'd noticed.

"You mean slamming it with the hottest jock on the swim team?" He asked with a cheeky smile. "What could possibly have possessed me?"

I was ready to give as good as he was giving but the first thing that popped out of my mouth was, "I could possess you."

Thank goodness Tong couldn't see into my head because he would have seen me give myself a very hard mental slap. I was back to acting like an oversexed teenager. Then again, I could blame Tong for being too inspiring.

"How was practise?" He asked.

I was grateful for the distraction from my lustful thoughts.

"It was good. It was nice to have the pool to myself."

"Just don't get locked in again. I might not come to save you."

"A-ha!" I had suspected it was him but it was funny that he offered up confirmation so easily. "I knew it was you."

"No, you didn't," he denied but he was too pleased with himself for it to be anything other than an act.

"There was no one else it could have been..." I said softly.

It had given me hope at a time when I didn't think I had the right. No one outside our group had known I was locked in and everyone else had begged off for some reason. Tong was the only one left. The fact that he'd done it in spite of my behaviour had been the first hint that I'd made a mistake.

I gave him a peck but he opened up to me. Following his lead, I kissed him back. Once again astounded by how far I was from ever getting enough of him.

"I didn't realize you were so greedy for me," I said cheekily.

His gentle smack told me he didn't appreciate my observation even though it was true.

"So full of yourself," he accused with a pout.

"Would you prefer I made you full of me?"

Really, it was his fault. He didn't agree because his pained groan was followed by another smack, this time to my chest.

"Oh God...please stop."

"Are you sure that's what you want?"

I wasn't listening to his words. I was listening to his body. To the way his voice quivered and the shiver that wracked his frame when I whispered against his ear. I wanted him. It was heady to know he wanted me back.

"You have to get some rest."

It was a pathetic excuse but I couldn't just ignore it.

"Are you going to send me away?" I asked testing the veracity of his claim.

"What?"

"Do you want me to go back to my room?"

"No. I meant we can't get all...you know. If you have to concentrate on practise."

"There's this thing called land training," I said pulling him up from his desk. "It's necessary, to keep our muscles toned with the full effects of gravity. I'm pretty certain Coach wouldn't mind if I did some land training." Pressing my body to his to let him know exactly what I was talking about I added, "And we both know you're very good at it."

"Pok..." he said with a gasp.

"Tong...?"

I could hear his shallow breath and if I wasn't doing much better myself, that was the best possible outcome. But he wasn't acting like he wanted to rip my clothes off (that was just me). He looked scared. I wasn't so smart when it came to matters of the heart. But I was learning.

Pulling a little away so I could look at him properly, I cupped his cheek and he leaned into me like he was desperate for that touch. How I wished I could read his mind. How I wished I could take whatever was troubling him away. Then I remembered what I was keeping from him.

I wanted to break this cycle of silence but I had no idea how.

"What do you need from me?"

Did he know what was going through my head? That was a big question but I couldn't say 'everything'. I overcorrected and made light of asking him, "Other than to stay by my side for the rest of our lives?"

"I'm serious, Pok. Every time I've tried to help, I somehow fucked up. I don't want to hurt you. I just...I don't know what you want and my head is spinning because if I do nothing, I'm a shitty person and if I do something it might make things worse."

He'd done it again. Taken my fears and put them into words when I couldn't. Because he had said it out loud, I didn't feel like an asshole for saying all the things I wanted.

"I want you to be there. I don't want to waste your time or act like my life is more important..." He was about to protest but I shushed him with a finger against his mouth and he kissed it before following my directive, "I want you to come and watch me swim, the way you used to. I want you to help me with my land training...and I don't mean in bed. Or...not just in bed. I want you to cheer me on. Nothing else. That's enough, isn't it?"

I couldn't believe I'd said all that. Tong would think I was a selfish prick and I was reluctant to pull my finger away in case he called me out on it. He opened his mouth and I was afraid he would bite my finger so I pulled it away quickly.

"I can do that," he said when there was no longer any impediment.

"You can?"

"Definitely. That's all I ever wanted to do."

"So...will you wake up early and come to practice with me tomorrow morning?" I asked testing him again.

He laughed out loud but got really close to me when he whispered, "No thanks. I would rather stay in bed. I was thinking more along the lines of helping you with your land training...the kind that happens in bed."

I wasn't expecting that but it was very welcome. I pulled him into my arms and he came willingly. Maybe there was something for all this talking business. I liked the results much better.