With or Without

20. Tong

"I'm sorry, Pok."

His look of utter dejection hit me like a punch to the gut. It took me a moment to realize what I had said and why it had elicited that reaction.

"No, wait. I don't mean...I mean...fuck." I took a deep breath and tried to order my thoughts.
"I'm sorry for what happened...between us. For what I did."

"Me too," he said softly. "I know we need to talk. It was the plan from the beginning but...I didn't know how to tell you what I was feeling especially because of how upset I was. Instead of saying what I felt I just said the most hurtful thing and I shouldn't have done that."

It was my turn to gasp in shock. I never expected an apology. Not like this. Not when he admitted he'd done it out of spite. Because it was more than I had hoped for but it was also not enough. I didn't want him to be angry or upset. But I also wished he could find it in his heart to forgive me; not hate me for what I did to him.

"You had every right."

"I wanted us to figure things out but I didn't even know what was going through my head. I thought it was better if I figured myself out first."

"And have you?"

"I think so. I mean...there are some things I want to talk to you about because you're a part of it but...I think I understand better."

"What do you understand?" I asked failing to keep the doubt out of my voice. The fear that this was all a set-up and he'd turn around and pull the rug out from under me.

"I should never have asked you to leave. Of course, I should never have forced you to stay with me either."

He let go of me and I missed his warmth the moment he walked the short distance to the other side of the room. But I understood the need for space.

"I just...I wanted you. I didn't think you would come with me any other way." He ended on a heavy sign and I could feel the regret that coloured his words. Regret that I felt too. "I am so sorry for that."

"You don't have to be sorry. I wouldn't have stayed with you if I didn't really want to. You know that."

"I do. I hoped. And that was great...for a while. But I was so angry about what you took from me. I couldn't stop thinking about it. That I could have had a chance to prove my swimming skills and I wouldn't have to jump through hoops now. The more I thought about it, the angrier I got. So, when I found out what you'd done with my test results and how it all led to that mess, I didn't know what else to do."

"I am so sorry..."

"I know. You told me. You told me you only did it for my benefit. But you have to understand, it's hard to believe you were doing it for me. It didn't feel like you were helping me. It felt like you didn't believe I was good enough."

"Oh, God...Pok...no. That's not what...I...shit..."

How could he think I didn't believe in him? I had done it because... I couldn't live without him and leaving him behind had felt like a thousand versions of wrong. I couldn't imagine my life without him and I had done everything to keep him with me. Even letting him play the blackmail card so he could feel like he was the one holding the cards.

That was so...selfish.

But I had convinced myself that it wasn't so bad because I got what I wanted. I got it in the worst possible way but I didn't care. He was right. "I am so sorry."

"I know," he said again, "I wasn't ready to believe it. I wanted to punish you. I wanted you to feel what it was like to lose something you loved. So, I threw you out; thinking you would fight to stay because I'd promised I would never take your home away."

He looked so miserable. I was the one who went to him this time. I was the one who held his cheek and made him look at me. I was surprised by the tears. He wiped them quickly, sniffing to clear his nose even though I had already seen how affected he was. "I didn't expect to feel like I had reaped my own heart out."

"I couldn't live without you either," I said letting him know it had not been easy for me.

But it hadn't been because he'd taken my home from me. It was because he'd taken himself away from me. Being given drips and drabs when I had grown accustomed to the entire ocean of him had felt like an endless thirst I could never quench. Wanting and wanting with no hope of ever having enough.

"But you were alright. You moved out and moved on like you'd just been waiting for the chance. Like you were dying to get rid of me."

"How else was I supposed to move on with my life? I had to act like I didn't need you because it was the only way I could get over you. But you kept coming around and I could never get enough traction. I kept falling back into you and failing at this one thing."

"I couldn't let you move on without me," Pok said kissing me softly. His hold on me was gentle even though I could feel the restraint he was putting on himself. "But even that was...I wanted to hurt you. I didn't want you to be happy with someone else. P'X must have thought I was so pathetic."

He was pushing me back and I let him until I stumbled and we both went down on the mattress. He looked at me then down at my mouth. His desire so blatant, there was no doubt. I felt bad for having given him reason to ever doubt my feelings. For holding myself back from him. I knew it was the reason he so easily doubted me now.

"Is that why you let me think you were seeing someone else?" I asked, the pieces falling into place for me.

"No. I thought you were joking about it. That you were trying to get me to confirm what you were to me. It's not until today that I realized you actually thought there was someone else."