With or Without

14. Tong

"Dude...not to cramp your style or anything but you and your boyfriend really need to tone it down."

"What?"

"I get it, new boyfriend, you guys are all up in each other's business. But then I figured you'd get over it. Quiet down or at least slow things down."

"Uhmm Phi, I don't understand what you mean."

"You guys are loud."

I choked on air, "I'm sorry?"

"Could you keep it down...when you're having sex. It was inspiring at first but now it's just disturbing."

I had grabbed my bags from him with my face on fire and my hands trembling from the realization that more than one person (if my neighbour in 3D was anything like the guy in front of me) had heard us; had heard me scream.

I tried to remember exactly what I had said. For sure there were moments when I screamed Pok's name. Times when I begged him to fuck me harder or faster. Times when I begged him to slow down. I'm sure I'd shouted, 'Oh God' more than once.

Did it count when the sounds weren't real words? When my breath escaped in a string of vowels like 'Aaahh' or when an orgasm left me incapable of making any sound other than a groan of heavy consonants 'hhngghh'?

None of that mattered. The only question I needed to answer was, could I keep it down enough not to disturb my neighbours? Would Pok even allow it?

I didn't tell Pok about the encounter with my neighbour. It was more embarrassing than I could deal with in any real way, so I ignore it. It didn't matter most of the time anyway. I did try to figure out how loud a sound had to be to carry through the walls.

I borrowed Galae's Bluetooth speaker and blasted music from my phone. Increasing the volume until I could hear it through the closed door. We had to have been so loud. If my neighbours could hear it was because we were almost as loud as the highest setting on the speakers. I knew it was me. But it was because of Pok. The way he made it impossible to maintain any kind of control.

He loved it when I lost it.
So did I.

"He tossed you over, huh?" The accusation came from a gleeful P'X while I was studying for my final exam in the library.

Ignoring him had become a full-time job. He kept making digs at me and I couldn't exactly stop him. But I didn't have to pay attention to him and I no longer felt that his presence warranted my respect. Not when he insisted on acting as juvenile and disrespectful as to stick his nose where it didn't belong.

"What do you want me to say phi? Don't you have an exam to prepare for as well?" I asked, appealing to reason, then looking at his friends in the hope that they had more influence over him than I did. They walked away, shaking their heads like they had heard enough about this to last a lifetime.

I understood his jealousy but I didn't understand how he thought harassing me was helping. He'd taken to stalked me and when he couldn't find me, he stalked Pok. Then he gave me blow by blow accounts of everything Pok had done; who he talked to, where he went, what he did. All of it delivered with the delight of someone who believed the evidence was damning when I was never there when Pok was out living his life.

That's why he thought it was over between us. That Pok had moved on. Not that I could deny it. Not when I had no clue what I was to Pok. We spent time together but outside my room, we weren't even friends anymore.

P'X made it hard to ignore the tell-tale signs that I was deluding myself. Weeks had turned to months and I had happily gone with the flow. The sheer power of Pok's will, enough to override my protests. But in my attempt to deny the truth, I made myself vulnerable to what other people had to say. In this case, it was P'X and his incomplete picture, telling me off for my outright lies.

I did my best to ignore him. That only made him angrier. How could I tell him that this had nothing to do with him when he insisted on inserting himself into my life?

"I'm talking to you." He said grabbing my arm when I had had enough.

"What do you want me to say?" I asked him. "You're making a scene...and for what?"

P'X looked around and notice everyone's one's eyes on us.

"What do I care?"

He cared. It was obvious in the way he lowered his voice and looked down and away but I wasn't about to tell him that. It would just prolong an unnecessary conversation. I wasn't about to help him and I had stopped asking him for help ages ago. The last thing I needed was him acting like I owed him something.

"Everyone says he has a new boyfriend."

I had heard the rumours too. Had been hearing them for a while. "I still don't understand why you care."

"You deserve better," he said reaching for my other hand so he could turn me to face him but I pulled away.

"You have no idea what I deserve."

"I could take better care of you."

"No phi, you couldn't. Or you would have already instead you've bullied and insulted me at every chance you got. Just leave me alone."