With or Without

3. Tong

Two days of labs, with the promise of another two weeks of reports and I was ready to drop dead. I hadn't eaten since breakfast—although eating was overstating the sustaining quality of a soy milk packet. I needed to eat before I passed out. I wasn't expecting the first place I found to be overflowing with people. But P'X was there and he waved me over after I'd ordered my fried pork rice. I had just sat down when I felt a presence beside me. Thinking it was one of my seniors, I moved to create space.

"So, this is where you've been hiding," Pok said by way of a greeting.

"Pok. What are you doing here?"

"Shouldn't I be asking you that? Or don't you want me to know?"

"Pok..."

"Is this him?"

I looked where he'd nodded and P'X was looking from him to me and back again. I had no idea what he was asking and I tried to convey my confusion to P'X with a mild shrug. I have no idea what he got from my expression (or maybe it was Pok's) but he stood up and took his plate. "I'll see you at the faculty. You seem to have some things to...discuss."

"Phi...?"

"It's okay."

But it wasn't. I didn't know what he thought was going on but whatever it was, he was wrong. There was nothing going on between Pok and me. There had been nothing for a long time. I would have left the food and walked out but Pok got the attention of one of the attendants, "Could you pack this to go."

She took my plate and returned with a Styrofoam container. Pok had grabbed my elbow and pulled me up. He took the food and led me out of the restaurant. I didn't protest. There was no need to make a scene. He drew me into a cab he must have called before he even sat down at my table.

"Where are you staying?" He asked.

No. There was no way I was taking him back to my place. He couldn't be there. I had done everything I could to exorcise him from my life. The last thing I needed was his presence lingering in the one place I truly had to myself.

"Fine. Don't tell me. It's not like I don't already know."

What the hell did he mean by that? I got my answer when we found ourselves outside my building. I'd been so busy trying to keep my distance from him, I hadn't been paying attention to either him or the driver.

"Would you like to lead the way or do you want me to?" He asked pulling me into the foyer of the apartment building.

The night guard was missing from his post but that was a common occurrence. He was probably in the common room with all the students who used it as a hang out joint on weekends rather than going out to clubs or pubs. He turned a blind eye to their use of alcohol in the common areas if they gave him a little of it. I tried to pull Pok back but he was a lot stronger than me. All that swimming had obviously worked wonders for his body. I knew. I used to know.

"Pok...you can't be here." I tried to reason.

"Why? Is this where you and he..." he turned away and I could see him clench and unclench his fists.

"What do you mean?" It was obviously the wrong thing to ask because he turned back to me anger etching every line on his face.

"Tong..." The threat in his voice was real. But I was adamant in my refusal to let him into my apartment until he explained himself.

"You will get up there or I swear to god..."

"What?"

What more could he do? I had said I was sorry. I had done my penance. I had left him alone like he asked. What else was there? But asking myself that was dangerous because there were things he could still do to me. Things he could ask of me. The scary part was that I would let him. I would give in—eventually.

With much less confidence, I asked, "What are you going to do?"

I have no idea what I was expecting. But when he grabbed me, I closed my eyes and I held my breath in readiness for the pain. Waiting for the punch that never came. For him to slam me against the wall the way he always did when he was angry (and sometimes when he wasn't). For him to reopen wounds I had been trying to heal.

Instead, I felt his hands on the side of my neck. The desire to pull away, thwarted by his firm hold. I felt his forehead touch mine, his breath fan against my face. I could feel the heat flood my body. Fear and shock and...lust. The awareness of how close he was, raise my hackles. I was ready to fight back. To make him let me go.

Then he kissed me.
It was a soft peck.
Over before I could mount a protest.

My gasp was loud in my ears. The pounding of my heart drowned out every thought except getting away from Pok before he undid what little I had been able to do. I pushed—hard.

"Please stop." I shut my eyes hoping to block out everything about him including his effect on me.

"Are you going to tell me where you stay?"

No. "Please..." No.

"Tell me." The simple command was my undoing.

"3C."

He pushed me into the lift which was miraculously waiting on the ground floor. He pushed me in and I found the furthest corner, only for him to crowd me into it. Hitting the third-floor button before he caged me in his arms for the short ride up. The lift opened up into a narrow hall. On the furthest right corner was my apartment. I pointed and he led the way, dragging me along and shoving me against the door when we got to it.

"Open it."

It wasn't a request. My hands shook as I tried to handle the key until he pulled it out of my hands and opened the door. Shoving me inside. He paused at the threshold.