With or Without

11. Tong

"My arms are getting numb," I said mildly

"Shit...sorry," he responded and turned me over quickly.

I was so completely different from what he said five minutes ago. He wanted me tied to him forever but one complaint about numb arms and he had the ties off of me in an instant. He was rubbing my wrists and palms to get the blood flowing again like the other version of him didn't exist.

How could he be such a contradiction? And what did that say about me? That I thrived on his impossible-to-read mind.

"Will you eat?" He asked solicitously.

"Yeah...I can study later." There was no point in putting it off.

"I was hoping...later you and I would have a little more fun."

"I can't. I actually have to turn in one of the reports tomorrow?"

"The one with the problem?"

He said that so distastefully, I knew he wasn't talking about the report. That was all about P'X. I just didn't know how to make him see there was nothing to worry about. "Yeah. I mean, it's later in the day but there's still a lot to do."

"Are you asking me to leave?"

I hesitated but realised that was the best thing for both of us, "Yes?"

"Is that a question?"

"I mean you can stay if you want." I backtracked, mentally shaking my head at my unwillingness to stand firmly against Pok.

"But you and I both know I'd be a distraction instead of a help," Pok said like he was pointing out the weather outside.

It was worse than that. He was being understanding.

"I mean, you can entertain yourself or you could study as well. I'm pretty certain you need to do it just as much as I do."

"Study together?" He asked like he was seriously considering it.

It wouldn't be the first time we'd done it. The atmosphere hadn't contained the charge that surrounded us now but we had shared a space for long enough to understand what it was like. Maybe this was a way to get back to the simplicity of being around each other without it feeling like one wrong move would ignite an explosion neither of us would recover from.

"That sounds like a good idea."

It was? "Great. You take the mattress and I'll just work here."

"Slow down...dinner first. Then you can do all the studying you want."

~

There was no official position in Pok's life I could claim. Pok acted like my boyfriend but he never actually said anything to me or anyone else to confirm or deny the possibility. We weren't friends. He made that clear enough when he begged me not to care about him.

He hadn't told his friends that he was spending an inordinate amount of time in my room and I wasn't about to volunteer the information. As far as I knew, he hadn't told anyone about 'us' if such a thing even existed.

Then again, nobody was asking. They wouldn't know there was something to ask about. As far as they were concerned, he and I were done. But there were rumours that Pok was seeing someone and no matter how much I tried to ignore them; there couldn't be smoke without fire. He'd blown off a few hangouts with the guys to do something with this new person. Spending time he normally used on his swimming practice to...I had no idea what.

It was the kind of information that had been slipped to me as a public service announcement. For my benefit—just in case I didn't know and I was hoping he would come back to me. The subtle warning was to get over him if I didn't want more heartache. It was easy to ignore the rumours; until it wasn't.

Because, just as Pok had predicted, P'X asked for a favour and it wasn't the kind of thing I could say no to.

"It's a two-day clinic and workshop." He explained.

They only allowed a few first-years to go and they'd asked me. Or rather P'X had recommended me and they'd agreed with him.

"But we're not even qualified to do anything."

"That's the idea. They want us to see things from a different perspective. Fresh eyes and all that good stuff," he said dismissively. "Before our minds are completely overrun by the expectations of what we're supposed to be."

"So, you're going for two days with P'X?" Pok confirmed when I told him about the trip.

I was packing a bag while we talked. I didn't want to give him my attention or he would see how much the thought of not being there to see him was bothering me. It's not like I had unfettered access to him. But the complete lack of it felt like a threat to my wellbeing.

"A few of the second-year class, as well as the senior outreach group, will also be there. There are going to be more than 30 people there, not just P'X and me." I wanted him to understand that this wasn't what he thought but he was looking at me mistrustingly. "It's just that I'm not going to be here and I didn't want you to come by and miss me. Otherwise, I wouldn't have bothered telling you because it doesn't make any difference."

"You wouldn't have told me?" He asked softly.

"Why would I tell you that I'm going for a school trip? I mean...that's like telling you I'm going to class. Of course, I'm going. That's what I'm here for." I tried to make it sound like it wasn't a big deal but it was for me. I just didn't think he would feel the same way.

"But you tell me if it was something different? If it was something out of the ordinary?"

"Which is what I'm doing now," I told him indulging his need to keep tabs on me in the hope that it would make me feel better.

"Do you think I'm being unreasonable?"

Of course, I thought he was being unreasonable. That was his thing. I had done everything I could and still, he persisted in this jealous rage and possessive insanity. I had no way to...it didn't matter. I was coming to a place of acceptance with him. It didn't involve me holding his nature against him. Not if I was going to keep letting him run roughshod all over me.

"It's just two days. I'll call you when I get back."

"No." He denied vehemently and turned me to look at him. Stopping me from the back and forth I was doing between the wardrobe and my suitcase. "You will call me when you get there. And you will call me while you are there—for every day you're there. You will call me when you're leaving. Then you call me when you get back."

"Fine."

"Good."

He had no idea that it was exactly what I wanted.

Then he surprised me again. Pok was there to see me off. There was nothing subtle about his presence. Short of kissing me in front of everyone, he made it very clear that he was not just my friend. I was stupid enough to be happy that he'd done it.