With or Without

11. Pok

"My arms are getting numb," Tong said like it was just another part of the conversation

The lack of feeling in his voice worried me and I rushed to pull the ties off him. Noting that his fingers were pale and cold but at least they weren't blue. He didn't look upset but I'm certain my caveman tactics weren't appreciated.

"Sorry."

There was nothing else I could say to make up for letting my jealousy make me treat him like I had. I was the one who hadn't made up my mind about what we were going to do next. I was the one keeping him in a holding pattern. If he met someone else, it was his right to do with them whatever he wanted. He'd said as much.

I rubbed his arms and the palms of his hands, trying to get the blood flowing again. Holding him firmly when the pins and needles hit him and he tried to get away from my massage. I was only satisfied when his hands were back to their normal colour and he wasn't looking at me like I was a crazy person anymore.

"Will you eat?" I asked, hoping to distract him from what I had done to him. Wondering if there was a way to separate it from what I had done with him.

"Yeah..." he whispered, "I'll study later."

That's what I wanted to hear.

"I was hoping..." I started testing the waters, "...you and I could have a little more fun later."

This time I let him pull out of my hold. It was strange to realize he did that whenever he was about to do something he thought was unpleasant for me. I would have to break him out of the habit of pulling away before he threw a blow. I could save us both some pain.

"I can't." I was appeased by the fact that he sounded contrite. "I have to turn in my report tomorrow afternoon."

"Is that the one with the problem?" P'X rearing his ugly head again.

Just that one reminder was enough to wish I hadn't untied Tong so I could put my stamp on him. Then nobody would dare to make a move on him. I didn't want to give anyone a chance to catch his attention.

"Do you want me to leave?"

I was hoping he would say no but I understood if he didn't. The truth was, I didn't want to go but I had pushed too far already. I wanted to give him the choice regardless of my desire. Yet I was still disappointed when he said yes. Sort of.

"Is that a question?" I asked because he didn't sound sure.

"I mean, you can stay if you want," he said contradicting himself.

"But I'd be a distraction instead of a help, right?"

It was going to take a whole new level of self-control to let him make the decisions for himself. Otherwise, I was at risk of putting him in the same untenable situation we had been before. It hadn't worked then; it was not going to work now.

"I mean, you can entertain yourself," he said indicating my phone. "Or you could study as well. Don't you need to do it just as much as I do?"

"Study together?"

Tong had always pushed me to study more. I was more practically oriented but we still had to do the written exams. Having Tong keep me accountable was the best way I knew to help me focus. Lucky for me I'd used my book bag to carry the food and my notes were still inside. It saved me a trip back to my room.

"That's a good idea," I finally said.

It was easy to follow through now that I had made up my mind. I wasn't about to question the look Tong gave me. I was just glad I didn't have to leave him just yet. It was ridiculous to want to be near him so much I didn't care if we weren't doing anything together.