With or Without

33. Tong

"Congratulations, I saw you passed," P'X said when he stepped in beside me. "I guess all that effort was worth it."

I hadn't seen him in a while but it felt like an eternity. So much had happened. So much had changed. I didn't even feel like the same person anymore.

"Thanks, phi," I replied with a slight nod.

"I'm sorry for how I acted. I hope you can forgive me for being an ass. All my friends..." he stopped abruptly then inhaled deeply, "...never mind. I hope you understand that you're a good person and you deserve to be happy. I'm sorry for the part I played in making that hard for you."

"Thank you, phi. I appreciate you saying that."

"Well...I guess I'll see you around." He said but he didn't look like he was in a hurry to leave.

It was strange but the fact that he'd apologized to me made me feel a little closer to him. Perhaps there was an opportunity to salvage our friendship if we both tried harder. But at that moment, I was more in awe of his courage and I needed to ask him about it.

"Wait. Can I ask you something?" I started sheepishly. He turned back to face me fully and I nearly backed away but this was too important. "Why was it me? There are so many people you could approach; you can still pick almost anyone you want and they would be happy to be with you. Why me?"

"Are you fishing for compliments?"

"No. Just trying to understand how you can be so certain about something when it doesn't feel certain at all?"

"Tong...that's how it always is. You have to have faith that it'll work out. But you also have to have the courage to follow through. Maybe I had too much courage in something that I shouldn't have been certain about. But I also know, if I hadn't told you how I felt, I'd be even more disappointed with myself than I am with your rejection."

It wasn't the answer I needed but it was on the way there. The difference between P'X and Pok was that I chose Pok and he chose me back. Trusting that was hard after my trust had been broken. It didn't mean we couldn't rebuild. The decision to rebuild, however, had to be mine. I had to be willing to put in the effort. To be courageous even in the face of doubt.

"Thanks, P'X."

"You've thanked me a lot. Maybe I should charge you."

"Maybe you should find someone who's right for you the way Pok is right for me."

"Yeah..." He whispered absently. Then more confidently said, "I'm glad it worked out."

I was a little lighter on my feet as I made my way back to my room. The decision was still unclear but I was willing to put in the effort to figure it out in spite of my fear and discomfort. It didn't have to happen all at once and I think Pok would understand that.

"Are you there?" I heard someone asking at my door.

Waking up from deep sleep to the sound of banging was jarring. I wasn't steady on my feet as I went to open the door and let Pok in.

"Why are you banging on my door. You could have just used your key?" I asked irritably as I walked back to my bed and flopped back on it.

"You left your key in the lock so mine couldn't get in," Pok said walking past me to the kitchenette. "You have to get dressed. I'm taking you on a road trip. I would have told you earlier but your phone is off."

Wait. What? We had only just talked about planning to go out of town, I hadn't expected him to come back with something so fast.

"I don't think..."

"Good."

He cut me off and I could see the mutinous rise of his chin. He was not about to let me come up with an excuse. I pulled out my phone to check if I had any messages from him but it wouldn't turn on.

"Shit, the battery is dead."

I made a big show of putting it on the charger and waiting for it to come on. Just like Pok had said there was a ping as a notification came through once it was above the 5% minimum requirement.

"Would you like to go out with me?" the first one read.

I'd like to take you somewhere special."

Tong...

😌
😓
😕
😩

The string of emojis and stickers all conveyed an increasing level of dismay.

"I'm really sorry I didn't see your messages."

"That's okay. As long as you promise to grant me my every wish for the rest of the day."

I couldn't tell if he was joking but I wanted to test his resolve on that. Smiling at him I nodded, "Your wish is my command."

"If that's the case, you're very bad at this because you haven't followed my instruction and put on some clothes."

"Right."

I had showered the night before so all I had to do was wash my face and brush my teeth. I changed into a pair of jeans and a t-shirt—matching what Pok was wearing. In the time it took to get ready, my phone had a 30% charge. I figured that was enough to keep me going for the day. It wasn't likely I'd have anyone to call if I was spending the day with Pok. I pocketed the phone together with my wallet and presented myself to Pok.

"Ready."

"Do you need a jacket?"

"It's not that cold?"

"It could get colder later. Or you could let me keep you warm."

I grabbed the jacket and followed him out to the sound of his hearty chuckle. His happiness was infectious and I found myself smiling as I caught up with him. My heart gave a leap and, in that moment, I was fully aware of what was scaring me so much. Pok made me happy. Very happy.

It was like climbing up to the top of the tallest building. I could live in such rarefied air, giddy with the temporary insanity he induced in me, or I could forever look down and fear what the fall would do to me. Pok was unaware of the thoughts going through my head. That was a good thing.

He had a taxi waiting for us when we made our way downstairs. I hadn't noticed that he was carrying a backpack but he took my jacket from me and stuffed it inside.

"I hope you're ready for this?"

I didn't even know what this was.