With or Without

18. Tong

I didn't want to take off his clothes. I wanted to hold on to something of his even if it was as simple as a t-shirt and boxers. I put my clothes on over his, leaving the white shirt off so it wasn't as obvious to anyone else that I was doing the walk of shame. I picked up the rest of my clothes and folded them into a tight bundle before stuffing them with my books and pencils. I walked out of Pok's apartment certain I would never return.

I could have taken a taxi or even caught a motorbike ride. But I needed time to clear my head. To let the threads that held me to Pok disengage. I was going to walk. Each step a prayer that I could release myself from my attachment to him. I would reach my apartment having exorcised every part of him. I was already on my way to success. The act of shutting his door behind me hitting me with a finality that made me feel like I was going to die.

Then I was really going to die because I bumped into Phai and Sandee. They looked worse for wear. I could sympathize. I was still just as curious about them as before but I wasn't about to ask questions that required some level of reciprocity.

"Good morning," I greeted with false conviviality.

Maybe it would distract them from my presence there. I needn't have worried.

"Seriously...keep your voice down," Phai said with a pained look and Sandee just nodded.

They both looked like they hadn't had enough sleep and could barely keep their eyes open. "Where are you going this early. Shouldn't you be sleeping off the hangover?"

"Speak for yourself," Phai shot back then held his head and swayed forcing Sandee to catch him before I could.

"Go back to bed. Whatever this is can wait."

"Like your conversation with Pok?" Sandee asked quietly in consideration of Phai but with no such regard for me. He had all the subtlety of a raging bull.

"What?" I asked, momentarily reminded that this entire mess was partly his fault.

I wasn't even sure what I was going to do but I had the sudden urge to punch him in the face. It would be so satisfying to purge some of my frustration on him. But I had neither his willingness to go that far nor Pok's readiness with his fist. It was not satisfying enough to sneer and turn away.

I didn't get far.

"You don't want to talk to him even though he's been trying to apologize to you for weeks," Phai said cutting through my thoughts.

"What do you mean?"

"Talk to him. You don't have to do anything else." He clarified. If only he knew. "You know you want to. I know that's what you were there for yesterday. I was hoping you would come to an understanding."

"What makes you think we haven't?"

"You still look sad," Sandee said matter-of-factly.

"How hard is it to say sorry?" Phai asked.

I looked from Sandee to Phai and didn't know what to say. A perverse desire to give back as good as I was getting, I used the knowledge I had of the situation to see if I could poke holes in Sandee's unflappable exterior.

"Ask your boyfriend," I said to Phai. Then to Sandee I asked, "Have you ever apologized to him? Told him the part you played in keeping him from his dream?"

"What is he talking about?" Phai asked Sandee.

"Maybe you shouldn't give advice about something you don't fully understand." The jab was very satisfying.

"And maybe you shouldn't spite yourself to get back at me. I did what I did. I can't undo it. That's between Pok and me. But you did what you did and you need to own that. Just the same way Pok needs to own his shit with you."

"Sandee..." Phai pulled him back and he actually backed down.

It was such a rare sight to see Sandee defer to someone else, I actually gasped in shock. They both looked at me like I was overreacting; maybe I was. I just hadn't realized that my earlier observation of them had any substance. They hadn't even refuted my stray assertion that they were boyfriends.

"You know I'm telling the truth," Sandee finally said mildly.

I wasn't about to give him the satisfaction so I didn't respond. But like slow-acting poison, his words wove their way into my psyche. There was no way Pok and I could maintain the current impasse indefinitely. I just liked the idea of walking away a lot more than I liked the idea of trying to get through to him.

Wasn't that a lie?
Wouldn't I have been able to walk away already if I was as determined as I claimed?

"He is right, Tong. You know that. And if you're here..."

"I have to go."

I practically sprinted away from them. I couldn't have them guessing right and asking me why I was willing to sleep with Pok if I wasn't willing to talk to him. It wasn't something I could figure out when he kept showing up wherever I was. My earlier plan had merit and it now included Phai and Sandee.

I had to get as far away from them as I could. What did it matter that Pok knew exactly where to find me? If I didn't do something drastic. I would go back and beg him to take me back. Beg him to forgive me. Beg him not to send me away. But I had already done that and it hadn't worked.

When I got there, my room felt smaller; emptier. A vital piece was missing. Not that I could do anything about it. There was no point in fighting it any longer. I was back to the realization that my need for Pok wasn't just based on like or love or sex. It was something I needed to feel whole. He was the other half of me. I had never put much stock in stories of soulmates. It explained why the knowledge now caught me completely off guard.

It was so unfair that this was coming to me now. Yet that made sense too.

The stress of exams was over. My mind wasn't preoccupied with a thousand pieces of information I had to order and regurgitate at the right place and time. I wasn't sure what to do with sudden free time but my mind had no such qualms. It had been so full for so long I hadn't had to think about what it would be like to have nothing to distract me from the pain and need and love.

I thought I was done with the tears. Wasn't it enough that I had already embarrassed myself in front of Pok? I had obviously been lying to myself. I scrubbed away the evidence with the back of my hand. Pushing what thoughts I could out of my head.

I knew this was new pain for a new problem. I just didn't know how I would survive it. The walk had done nothing to clarify my thoughts only keep the ones already in there spinning so fast I felt dizzy with my own indecisiveness; frustrated with my lack of control and angry that I had actively helped create this situation out of a misguided sense of regard for his wellbeing.