With or Without

19. Pok

I went to the pool.

I wasn't there to practise. I was there to clear my head. There was something meditative about the repetitive action. Cutting through the water. Focusing on my body instead of the thoughts running around my head like a flock of headless chickens. Swimming calmed me.

I needed to be calm. I needed to get the words in my head straight. I had looked at that piece of paper with Tong's name and my desires side by side. Doodled as I listened to the best advice I could ever hope to get.

The fear and anger were still present even after all this time. By refusing to acknowledge them I hadn't done anything to dispel them. Instead, I had pushed them down and convinced myself it wasn't a problem if I was the only one they affected. But they were keeping me from taking the most important step towards what I wanted—forgiveness; and love.

Only when my thoughts were clear and ordered did I step out of the pool.

Not wanting my efforts to go to waste, I made it back to the dorm to clean up before passing my favourite food stall and picking up some breakfast. I knew Tong wouldn't think to get anything more than a cup of coffee if he went straight to his room and I wanted to be prepared to bribe him if that's what it took.

I stood outside his door figuring out my approach. Tossing it out in favour of being myself. I knock firmly. I was about to raise my hand to knock again when I thought to try the door. It opened. Tong was sitting on the edge of his bed like I'd roused him from sleep. I intentionally ignored him and walked past him to put our breakfast on the counter so the hot containers no longer burnt my hands.

I was at a loss again. What did I want to say? Where did I even start?

Turning to look at him I tried to observe him objectively but I couldn't. It wasn't because I couldn't see the tiredness or the way his mouth turned down at the corners or how he often pursed his lips so tight they all but disappeared. It was because everything about him was beautiful to me.

"Why did you leave?" I asked softly, inching towards him because he looked ready to bolt. "I had plans for breakfast."

He was staring at me like I was a mythical sea creature come to life. The way he said my name, like he was testing it for something, made his confusion even clearer.

"Yes...?" I answered just as quietly as him.

"Why are you here?"

"Because you're here...dummy."

It really was that simple. I wanted to be with him wherever he was. That's what mattered most. The clarity felt like a weight off my shoulders and it was easy to serve our breakfast and turn on the kettle with renewed confidence. If I was right and Tong wanted me as much as I wanted him, we were going to figure this out.

A task far easier to accomplish on a full stomach.

"Eat. You used up a lot of energy last night," I said causing him to go into a fit of coughs.

I would have rubbed his back but I was too busy making myself comfortable as close as he would let me. Very pleased when our legs were practically over each other and he didn't baulk. How could he still be embarrassed about our lovemaking? Or perhaps it had more to do with what we'd done the night before.

I made a big show of putting the food in my mouth. Intentionally licking my lips or licking the spoon to remind him. Tong was watching my every action. His breath getting faster and faster as I teased him with my oral prowess. His undivided attention was an aphrodisiac on its own and when I moaned on the next bite it wasn't entirely for show.