Why are you so bloody perfect?! | jegulus

Regulus

Trigger warning for suicidal thoughts and just get ready for some angst..

I laid in my bed that night, but I never slept.
My mind wouldn't shut up, and the depressing thoughts kept coming, and even if I could fall asleep, I wouldn't.
I didn't trust Barty anymore. Not at all. I never really did, but now I couldn't. I had warned him before, and where did that get me?

I laid there, with my wand in my hand. I never thought I would have to, but I didn't feel comfortable being in the same room with him without it. He was asleep, I could hear his breathing, but still. Even if the other dorm mates were in here, they weren't exactly 'trustworthy' either. There have been some fishy roomers about some of them too.

I felt vulnerable, used. And when I thought about it, I always had been.

My parents, they didn't love me. And to hope so was laughable. They used me, raised me to be 'perfect' to make up for Sirius. They pretended they never had another son, and focused on how great I was turning out. Little did they know deep down I hated them just as much and hated everything they taught.

Used by my parents, by Barty, and maybe even the school itself. You get into Slytherin, and people assume the worst. Your bad now, your dirty and cheating and you definitely support the Dark Lord.

And if I stayed any longer with my family, I'd get that stupid tattoo, branded, marked and then used once more by the 'Dark Lord.'

Why me? Why did it have to be like this? Life is just cruel I suppose. It's unfair, it doesn't care who you are, what your going through. Why did I put up with it? Why not end it?

James, that's why you haven't ended it yet. You have hope that he's different, and that he will care about me. But what if he didn't? What if he's just like everyone else, and he'll leave me? He'll say he loved me, that he cared, and when he was done with me he'll find someone else and leave.

What if it was all a prank? 'See how long you can date Regulus and make it look genuine' type of a prank? He pranks a lot, him and his friends, but I doubt he would do anything like that.

Still, how could I know he wouldn't leave me one day? That he's not going to use me, how could I know he's any different?
I couldn't know, not really, until it was too late.

James didn't really have a reputation when it came to dating. He simped over Lily since anyone can remember, and during that time he never dated anyone, so how was I to know if he was the type to dump people suddenly? He had simped over Lily for ages and never gave up on her even though they were never a thing, so maybe he was loyal? Maybe I could trust him?

Wouldn't it be better to just end it and not have to find out? Better safe then sorry, was it worth it if you got your heart broken? Just end it, you won't have to deal with it all anymore..

No. I told myself. I won't be suicidal, I can't be. I have to stay alive. 

Why? What for?

Shut up already!

I clutched my wand closer, like I could charm the suicidal thoughts away. Could I? We never learned a spell for that. Of course not, the school assumed everyone was okay, mentally we were all fine. So act like it, don't let people see your not okay, it will only start drama and get you unwanted attention, either that or they'll pick on you, say your weak, weird, different, depressed sod, doesn't matter.

I bit back the tears. Don't start now.
You need to practice doing this, practice stopping your emotions from taking control, so don't start now. If you start you can't stop.

It will be ok, one day, maybe..
just hold through, one day you may be glad to be alive, I hope.

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