Why are you so bloody perfect?! | jegulus

Regulus

TW: Mention of eating disorders (ofc) Basically this chapter is just Reg having deep thoughts after midnight...

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I lay awake in bed that night, rethinking over the events of today, as the last few minutes slipped away into tomorrow, and then today would become yesterday, and tomorrow the present, and soon enough the whole cycle would repeat, and forever continue to baffle me.
I didn't like thinking about time. It was confusing, unforgiving, never ending, or, did it end? Or did it truly go on forever? Time never stops, just keeps on going no matter how much we wish it to slow down, even if it's just for a moment...

Nope. I disliked thinking about it. And that's why I thought about the things I did do today. That, time can be sure of.

I thought about what James had shown me today. How he showed me the kitchen, and all the many house elves in it.
I mean, I already knew there must be some explanation to all the things that happen at Hogwarts. Beds being made, trunks delivered to the dorms on the first day, fires being tended to, places being dusted and cleaned, and then of course the food, and how it comes about being prepared for the many students at Hogwarts. House elves seemed a likely explanation, so I wasn't too surprised to see them there, cooking in the kitchen.
And, it had been nice to interact with them. Talk to them, getting to hear about life at Hogwarts from their point of view, how they enjoy their work, etc.
That is, I heard these things from the ones that would talk to me, as they preferred to keep to their work.

I like house elves, somewhat. I think that they are miss understood a lot of the time, which, I realize now that may be why I like them so much. Maybe it's because I related to them on that level.
I hated seeing them treated like shit, like slaves, but that's what I had been exposed to my whole life.
Thankfully the house elves at Hogwarts are treated kindly, that I'm grateful for.

Of course, I hadn't told James anything about my fondness for the creatures. And to be honest I had never told a soul. Not one.
The only person who may know about it is Sirius, because he had lived with me and had seen me interact with Kreacher first hand.
But I had never done that in front of her. Not near my mother.
Besides it was a rare occasion anyway.

Somehow though, James seemed to already know. But I'm not surprised. James and Sirius are closer to brothers than normal siblings ever are anyway.

James had watched me with a fond smile as I had talked to the house elves, and I had replied to him with a mildly defiant gaze, rolling my eyes with the sass as I was known to do often.
His smile had only grown.

But then came the part where James tried to get me to actually eat something, offering me one of the muffins the house elves had given us.
That's when I started to get uncomfortable, and I told James that I really wasn't hungry.
James of course, hadn't believed a word.
He gently persuaded me to finally eat the stupid muffin, but I had only done it to make him shut up.

It's happened many times before, this faze I go through. But to be honest, it never leaves.
Is it a faze if it started some time ago and hasn't left since? Or does it become a lifestyle by then?

Sometimes I'm (decently) okay with my body image and diet, and I can eat anything without struggle.
But then sometimes, most of the time, I simply don't want to. It's just that.
The idea of food sounds so unappetizing, the idea of consuming anything is so repelling I refuse to eat at all. Liquids or okay, sometimes, but most all food just doesn't sound like a good idea, and my brain begins to believe it, and then my body naturally responds.

Don't even get me started on my body. I could go on, and on forever about the things I hate about my looks, myself, my weight, and basically everything about me. It would be a waste of time to sit and think about it. I already know I'm pathetic and look disgusting. That I'm skinny, small and scrawny, yet still overweight. No point in telling myself again.