Always A Pleasure || H.S. [COMPLETE]

Ninety

When Harry's mind would come back to the present, the gravity of the situation came back to him, detonating his daydreams like an atom bomb. With the active shooter still at large in the building Katherine was in, she was in a grave situation and Harry could do nothing to help her. He wanted, more than anything, to protect her. But he couldn't keep her safe.

His self-deprecating mind spiraled even further, remembering how he used to treat her before she was his. How when something happened between them that made him uncomfortable, it would cause him to just shut down, which in turn caused her pain. It was like he would go into hiding from her, not able to face the difficult situation.

Like the time when he found out her father physically abused her after he spanked her for the first time. Or the time he accused her of becoming pregnant on purpose. Giving her the silent treatment after that put such a wedge between them that in the end, it caused her to leave him. She wasn't really his, but she still left him. Because of him.

Without warning, his mind cut to other times where his behavior toward Katherine was downright appalling. Starting with every time he felt the need to punish her for basic, everyday mishaps; to the night in the gym when he worked her up so badly that she had to use her safe-word; to pushing her up against the wall that same night when she screamed at him.

He apologized for his behavior, but it sickened him that he acted that way in the first place.

Then his mind cut to the night she first crawled into his bed, and it caused his blood to go cold. He did everything he possibly could to repress that memory, but as he sat there in his shame-spiral, he couldn't help as it flooded his mind.

Harry woke up that night feeling his body being pinned down in his bed, and his fight or flight response kicked in instantly, thinking someone was attacking him. When he came to and realized he had his hands wound tightly around Katherine's throat, nearly choking the life out of her, he let go immediately.

He was horrified by what he'd done. The panicked look on Katherine's face cemented that feeling in his heart.

Just hearing her choke as she sucked in a deep breath, physically pained him. No amount of apologizing could erase the guilt he felt over what happened. And when she began apologizing to him, he felt sick to his stomach. He had no earthly idea what would make her think it was her fault for what happened?

When she ran out of his room as he shouted her name, the unbearable ache of guilt inside of him worsened. He quickly went to the closet to put on a pair of sweatpants to follow her out, but by the time he got to her door, it was already closed. He called out her name, but she didn't respond.

He didn't know how long he stood outside her door, thinking about what he had done and how it was going to affect their relationship in the future. He knew he had fucked everything up and he genuinely had no idea how he would fix it.