Back To December// Cregan Stark / Hope Mikaelson

29. Regret

Cregan huffed a harsh breath as Hope headed off. Why did he have to be so stupid? Ruin the one time she had come back and opened her arms to him, allowed him in and then pushed him away like feelings were the devil. Like his concern for her was manipulation... He should have kept his mouth shut, enjoyed the moment or kept his distance. 

Gave her what she needed and let her leave without saying goodbye. He could have sided with her, he could have sent her away that first day. He could have, but he wanted her here, he wanted answers and now he wished he sent her away because he was still in love with her and he hated that he was because Sara was right, Hope would hurt him again and would apologize for leaving him with nothing more than goodbyes.

Instead he had gotten lost, in the longing for her. Cregan had forgotten what it was like to be close, to be comforted and together and simply held.

She hadn't asked for that. Didn't want it, clearly didn't return what he felt as she was so eager to get away. But there was a moment he could have convinced himself that she did want him. That she did hold tight to him as though he was the man she wanted, that they could work it out. But then she left without another word, heading up the steps, Daeron gave Cregan a pitiful look but Hope didnt turn around. Cregan had been truly foolish enough to actually believe they could ever get back to where they once were, that holding her was enough to hold onto her for good after everything that had driven them apart in the first place. 

Maybe he was better off. Knowing now, facing the truth that she would never be interested, not again. Not in anything real he had to give. Not in a relationship. Not in a moment of desire. Of companionship. 

Cregan Stark was a means to an end and if he couldn't fulfil what she wanted, his allegiance to the crown then there was no point in her sticking around after the storm passed.

He had crossed that unspoken line, feeling and wanting more,  and she had crossed him off of her list it seemed. He was a means to an end and he would never see her again after this and he really should have seen that coming. He wouldn't make that mistake again.

+

"Do you regret it?" Cregans voice was hoarse. Hope refused to look at him but he closed the door coming in closer behind her. "Do you regret any of it?"

"I regret the people that got tangled up in my disaster." Hope offered. "But Cregan you have to understand I wouldn't be who I am today if I didn't come here, if that day... if..."

Tears formed and she couldn't stop them. She couldnt regret it because she found out a part of her that she never knew before. Cregan watched her as she tried to keep her composure, he hoped for a confession and Hope pressed her fingers to her lips to hold in a sob. She would be strong. 

"I regret hurting you but I left to protect you. So no. I dont regret it." Hope declared. 

Hope didn't regret it. Stood by the choices she had made to protect the people she loved. Why couldnt Cregan feel no regrets for their time together? Cregan had been in love with Hope, he never got that closure and part of him hoped that she would return, for years he wished for some closure and yet seeing her here all he felt was this sickening guilt.

She didn't care that he was there, watching her fall apart. She buried her face into shaking hands and she cried. Cregan knew she was lying, she did regret something. Cregan couldn't not reach for her, holding her against the guilt and grief that were pouring out of her. 

Hopes breath caught in her throat between tears, face hidden behind her hands as he knelt in front of her. Cregans hand, warm against her neck, seeing if she could focus, if she could calm but too much had come undone. Her forehead dropped against his shoulder, her tears following the curve of his neck and he felt them against his chest. 

"Hope," He whispered wrapping his arms around her. Hope was small in his arms.  Maybe it wasn't wise, maybe it was only going to get him in trouble, make him believe that she was in love, make him believe things were different that he would get hurt again but he saw her breaking down as he held her. Cregan held her tightly and waited for the storm to pass.

"i'm sorry I hurt you." Hope whimpered into him. "I'm so sorry Cregan." He nodded into her. "But I would do it again, to protect you."

"Protect me from what?" 

"Myself."