Starlight

Chapter 42: Bad Memories

I didn't let go of Jai's hand as we pulled up in front of a hospital. I didn't let go as I dragged him through the doors. I didn't let go as I asked for a room number at the front desk. I didn't let go as we got told the news that Jax was in the midst of emergency surgery. I didn't let go as I pulled him into the waiting room and sat beside him.

"Jason's drinkings been getting out of hand but I never thought - I can't believe he - this can't be happening," Jai whispered, heartbroken.

"It's okay. They said he only has a slight concussion and a couple fractured ribs. He'll recover in no time," I tried to reassure.

Jai's voice cracked as he said, "But Jax."

"I know, I know. This hospital has some of the best neurosurgeons in the country, Jai. It's going to be okay."

Jai's expression went from far away and numb to grief-stricken. His eyes turned red as tears began to slide down his cheeks. Before I could say any words his shoulders started to shake with sobs. It felt like someone gripped my heart with claws.

I didn't think as I got up from my chair and sat sideways on his lap. I pulled his head into the crook of my neck and held him tight. It only took a second before his arms wrapped around me in a bone crushing hug. I said nothing as I gently ran a hand through his hair and let him cry.

We stayed like for what felt like forever. Eventually Jai cried himself dry. Even when the tears and sniffling stopped he kept his face burrowed into my shoulder.

"Why don't I go get you some water or coffee," I offered gently.

Jai didn't reply with words, he only shook his head and pulled me closer.

I glanced over when the nearly empty waiting room doors opened. I saw Jason being pushed in with a wheelchair. He looked like shit. His face was one big bruise and he had medical wrappings around his head. One of his arms was in a sling against his chest.

"Over here," I called to the nurse pushing the chair.

Jai picked up his head to peek at who I'd spoken to.

The first words out of Jason's mouth were, "You fucking bitch! This is all your fault!"

"I - what?" I asked, bewildered.

"We were on our way to your apartment! If you'd just fucking listened to me I wouldn't have had to drive!" He yelled.

"Please calm down, sir," the nurse tried to intervene.

"Jason, what are you talking about?" Jai's scratchy voice asked.

Jason spoke quietly but with poison in his tone, "She knows. She knows exactly what I'm talking about. She didn't fucking listen to me. It should be her in there with a brain bleed, not Jax."

Oh god. Jason was coming to fulfill his threat. Jax was going to participate. I feel like I'm going to be sick.

"I'll leave," I volunteered.

I tried to stand but Jai wouldn't release me.

"No, I want you here," Jai protested.

"She's not staying," Jason all but growled out.

"If anyone's leaving it's you," Jai seethed at his brother.

Jason looked like he'd been slapped, "Me?! What the hell did I do?"

"I can smell the booze from here! Jax might die because of your stupid choices!" Jai yelled.

The few people in the room were all looking at us.

The nurse spoke up from behind Jason's chair, "Why don't we go back to your room to rest. I can have someone get you as soon as there's news."

"I'm not going anywhere," Jason snapped.

The nurse looked ready to object until Jai spoke, "I'm sorry. We'll stay calm."

She looked uncertain but nodded and moved to leave. She told Jason to call if he needed anything. Once she was gone a silence fell around the three of us.

"It's not my fault," Jason whispered after a while.

Jai let loose a big sigh before replying in a tired voice, "We'll talk about it later."

The silence was back. I played with Jai's hair while he rested his head back on my shoulder. Jason did his best to avoid eye contact with the both of us. He looked...broken. Not because of the bruises and bandages. Something in his expression yanked some empathy from my chest. I knew that expression.

"I'm going to grab coffee and snacks. Any requests?" I asked them both.

"Whatever looks good," Jai answered as Jason ignored me.

I slid from Jai's lap and went in search of the cafeteria. The second I was out of sight I ran for the nearest bathroom. I locked myself in a stall just in time to bawl. It hurt, it really hurt. It wasn't this hospital and it wasn't this situation.

I was thirteen when the drunk driver hit our car. I was thirteen when I was pushed in a wheelchair to wait for my mom to get out of surgery. I was thirteen when she never left the operating room alive.

I knew Jason's expression because I remembered it being plastered on my fathers face. I knew Jason's expression because I remember wearing it. The hopeless feeling of knowing a loved one was in pain and in trouble and you could do nothing about it.

It took me a while to get myself under control. Once I did I wiped my tears. I placed cold water under my puffy eyes. I put on my brave face and I focused on what I could do in the moment. It didn't take me too long to find the cafeteria. I grabbed two coffees, three pudding cups, and a few bags of chips. I made my way back up to the waiting room.

I walked in and returned to the seat next to Jai that I had first sat it. I gave him a pudding, chips, and a coffee. After he muttered a quiet thank you I held out the the second coffee to Jason. He stared at me like I had three heads. After a beat he took the hot cup, the pudding, and the chips I pushed to him. I handed out spoons to the both of them before pulling my knees to my chest and opening my own pudding cup.

It tasted like bad memories.