"I Just Gotta Get Out of L.A": a Jatt Mpregfic

6) Yeah, we're all only actors, no one's actually happy

Matt

I'm so mad at myself for staying on set instead of rushing to Indigo Records to help Josh the other day.

I could have helped him with his morning sickness.

I could have held him and helped him stop it.

But I didn't, I chose to stay on set instead of going to pick my boyfriend up the other day.

I feel awful that I put work first.

Josh is at a label meeting to show his manager his new songs and a surprise duet rough draft. He hasn't told me who he is singing with yet. I'm excited to hear his new music though.

He's been acting weird lately and I don't think it's his pregnancy hormones.

I want to help so badly.

I know that he will talk to me when he's ready to though.

"Matt, stop bouncing your leg up and down. Do you feel anxious or something? What is going on with you? You barged into my apartment and sat on the couch then turned on Animal Planet. What is going on? Talk to me cuz." I feel the couch dip down and see my cousin, Julia lean her head on my shoulder.

Yeah, she's my cousin in real life and on-screen.

People think it's confusing but I don't mind.

"Yeah, we're all only actors, no one's actually happy..." I hug her pillow like Ricky Bowen does and tuck my head into the crook of it.

"I'm confused. Do you want to change careers? Is 'Begin Again' not your type of show? Did you get fired?" I feel her hand on my back while I shake my head.

"No," I state plainly.

"Okay, then what's up and why did you barge into my apartment on a Friday afternoon? Don't you have to be on set?" I feel my hands shake while I let a single tear fall from my eye.

I really wish that Josh would just open up to me about what he is going through. I am so sorry that I can't be there for him all the time. I have work too. I would quit my job in an instant if that meant that I could help him with his mental health. But I didn't do that. I stayed on set and made money. We need money if we're gonna have a little Josh in the apartment in 8 months.

"Do you think that I'm a good boyfriend to Josh? Do you think that I am making his mental health worse? Do you think that I would make a good father? Do you think that I overwork myself? Anthony said that I should take a mental health break. Maybe he's right? Maybe I am a distraction to Josh? Maybe that's why he needs more time producing and writing his album." I rant to my cousin and don't even bother to breathe in between sentences.

Wow.

I have been holding in all these thoughts over the past week since the pregnancy announcement.

"First, you are not a distraction to Josh. You are not making his mental health worse. Who said that? I need to have a word with them. Are you guys trying for kids already? You aren't even married yet, Matt. I am also positive that his album being delayed is not your fault at all. Have you asked him about it lately?"I feel her rub my back as I sniffle a bit.

I didn't even realize that I started crying.

"Josh is pregnant. It's my fault. His record label is being tough and giving him so much work. He has a surprise duet to record and I don't know who it's with. And I guess I just assumed that I was making his mental health worse since I got him pregnant in the first place." I shrug my shoulders and take a tissue from her coffee table.