"I Just Gotta Get Out of L.A": a Jatt Mpregfic

30) I know that I'm to blame

Matt

I am trying not to be sad today.

Today's Josh's baby shower that his family planned and my family is a mess.

Yes, my parents are still getting divorced because of my life decision to be a father.

I am so confused and sad at the same time.

I don't want to leave Josh again before the baby comes but I need to revisit Arkansas and fix things with my parents that aren't over-the-phone fights.

When I talk to my parents on the phone I always go outside or sit in the car away from Josh. He never sees me get emotional unless it's for a TV show or film I'm in.

I wish this journey to fatherhood could be all rainbows and happiness. Josh has been struggling with his own mental health and physical pain ways. I can't imagine what he's feeling with the baby and being away from family.

While lost in thought, my phone vibrates in the cup holder next to me since I turned the ringer off.

"Josh, what's wrong? Are you in pain? Did you fall? What's going on?" I started to panic since he fell the other time on a call.

I always worry about my fiance.

Sometimes he doesn't know how to take care of himself.

"Where are you? The baby shower starts in an hour and I'm home alone. My mom said she's picking me up to go to the venue so that you don't have to drive me. Are you at the airport picking up my sisters?" Josh asks and it sounds like he's panicking more than I am.

I'm not panicking about the baby shower.

I'm panicking about being a father with divorced parents.

My parents haven't signed divorce papers yet but they might if I don't fix things.

"Yeah, I'm picking up Claire and your dad," I say without cracking my voice from emotion.

"This little monster is more excited about his baby shower than I am. I didn't even ask for a party and a baby registry. Matt, even Kate and Mark sent gifts. I don't deserve this." I hear Josh cry.

"Babe, you deserve this. The baby deserves this. You are so amazing. Let people celebrate you and the baby today. Hey, I love you. I got to go your sister just texted me her location." I say quickly and hang up so that I can drive.

I haven't seen Josh's parents or sisters since December right before we got engaged.

20 minutes later after sitting in traffic and trying to find out where to park at the airport I finally see Claire and Josh's dad holding multiple bags and suitcases that must-have gifts for the baby.

I have to hold in my emotions and be happy for Josh and his family today.

No crying.

"Here let me help with those bags Mr. Bassett," I offer as they approach my car which will soon have Leo's car seat once I set it up.

We hug for a few seconds before I start to hold up traffic.

"Nonsense, Matt. You do enough and you drove here to pick us up. I can put them in the truck." Mr. Bassett says while Claire hops in the backseat.

"How are you doing Matt?" Claire asks me once everyone is in the car.

And damn, that's the first time someone has asked me how I am doing.

My siblings do over phone calls but we mainly talk about the potential divorce.

"I'm scared and I'm struggling with family problems and my sleep schedule but other than that I am fine. I've been shooting a movie I'm featured in and I come home to take care of Josh." I shrug my shoulders while starting the car.