Song I recommend for the chapter: Sigh No More by Mumford & Sons
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I was going on tour with the boys. It had only been a day since we made this decision, but I still couldn't believe it. I couldn't be more grateful that I didn't have to say goodbye to Luke anymore.
There were still a few weeks until we would all be leaving together, but there was still something that I needed to do. I had been thinking about it a lot lately, and it was the perfect time to do it since I would be leaving for who knows how long.
As I drive the somewhat familiar route, I try not to think of all the worst case scenarios that are playing in my head. I am by myself; I needed to do this alone. Luke only asked me about twenty times if I was sure, but I knew that it was meant for me only.
When I reach my destination, I park my car and take a deep breath before getting out. A few steps later, the three knocks on the door are the only noises I hear. After a minute, the door opens and I am faced with a man who looks a lot different than the last time I had seen him.
Stubble is spreading all over the lower half of my father's face, the hair on his head grown longer as well. His eyes look tired, weak. It had been months since I had seen him, but his appearance made it seem like years. His eyes seem to light up in the slightest at my unexpected arrival.
"Allison?" He asks, as if he couldn't believe that I was really standing in front of him.
"Hi," I say quietly.
"Uh, c-come on in," he says nervously as he steps to the side to let me through the door.
I walk into the large apartment and take in the scent of citrus and mint. The events of last time I was here play over in my head, making me cringe. I take a seat on the large, soft couch and try to ignore the thoughts as best I can. He sits down slowly a few feet away from me and I appreciate that he doesn't crowd me.
"So...how have you been?" He asks quietly. He seemed different than the last times I had seen him; calm, but nervous at the same time. Even though I had only been in his presence for less than five minutes, I felt for the first time that he actually had a sense of concern for me.
"I've been good. Been through a lot since the last time I saw you..." I trail off and his face falls slightly.
"Do you wanna talk about it?" He asks.
At first I think of telling him no, that it's none of his business. But instead, I go on to tell him about everything; starting with when Luke left, which almost has me in tears, all the way up to how we got back together after the incident at my graduation party. I'm not at all sure why I open up to him, or how I even manage to do it after all these years, but I do; and it actually feels good. It almost feels like reconnecting with a best friend, but I have no idea why it would feel like that after all of the pain that he has put me through. I shake the bad feelings and continue on to tell him everything. He listens well and I am quite surprised. I do not share with him the news that I will be leaving home to travel the world with my boyfriend and his band; I figure I should save that for a different time. A different time with my father, what has gotten into me?
I talk for a while it seems, and he barely responds; only with occasional head nods and a few words. By the time that I am done talking, I feel like I have just shared too much; but at the same time it feels normal and good. I feel weird with all of this, but at ease.
"I'm sorry for how I left things last time," I say to him after a few moments of silence following my stories.
"Don't ever apologize for that Allison. I can't tell you how sorry I am for everything. I know I've tried to apologize, and I also know that I will never be able to make it up," he says sadly. My heart feels so different towards him right now, almost sad.
"Let's just not talk about it right now..."I trail off. "Maybe we can just start fresh, for now at least," I say and cannot believe the words that leave my mouth.
"I would love that, more than anything," he whispers with a small smile.
My heart feels at ease for the moment and it is a great feeling that I haven't felt in his presence before. I decide to leave it at that and tell him that I should probably get back home. Since we still have some time before we leave, I plan on seeing him again and I let him know that. Instead of forcing a hug on me, he walks me to the door and lets me leave without any contact besides a small smile and a goodbye.
When I get down to my car, I see him standing at the railing of the stairs by his apartment. I smile to myself and wave before getting inside the car and driving off.
For the first time in my life, I feel good about what just happened between my father and I.
