The Devil's Honey

NINE

NINE
🍯Honey🍯

Xavier climbs off of me and sits down with his arms braced on his knees, his head hanging low. I sit up and fiddle with my fingers anxiously, tears already streaming down my face. I sniffle and Xavier's head snaps in my direction, tears of his own running down his cheeks.

"I'm sorry," I whisper, not sure what else to say. From the look on his face, it's almost as if I've punched a hole into his chest and ripped his heart out. "I didn't know I was pregnant. I was under so much stress with Xander, and I had so much anxiety, every single day. Nightmares about when I was kidnapped. It was all just too much."

Xavier continues to stare at me with a pained expression, and my chest tightens because I don't know whether or not he's angry with me.

"I woke up one morning, and I had this pain. I thought it was my period, it had been late, but I assumed it was because of the stress. When I went to the toilet, I just knew something didn't feel right. Cherry took me to the hospital and that's when I found out. I was a little over two months." Xavier's eyes slowly close and I look down at my lap, biting my trembling lip. "I'm sorry," I repeat, borderline hysterical.

Xavier stands up, and I stand up with him, worried that he's going to leave me after what I've just told him. Maybe I should have kept my mouth shut. I hold my breath and anticipate his next move, gasping when he decides to pull me into a tight hug, burying his face into my hair.

I stand still in his arms, confused, but also relieved that he's not angry with me.

"God, I'm so sorry, baby. You went through all this on your own." He speaks out, his voice cracking, and filled with so much pain. "I'm sorry." He repeats that he's sorry again, and again until I have to stop him.

"Xavier, you don't need to be sorry." I grasp hold of his face and smile softly. "These things happen."

"I should have protected you better, if I hadn't let you get away, you wouldn't have had all that burden on your shoulders. I would have sorted Xander out already, and we could have had a little girl." My heart breaks at the cracking and devastation in his voice. "A little girl. Gosh, I'm sorry, little star. So sorry." His eyes clench shut, and I feel a tremendous amount of guilt.

"You had no idea I was going to leave, Xavier. That wasn't on you." I tell him. "This is why I was worried to tell you because I knew how much you wanted another child."

"How does it feel now that you've got a good relationship with Hendrix again? It must have been hard to watch him grow up from the sidelines?" I whisper to Xavier as I lay on my back. He sits up on his arm, tracing my bare belly with his finger.

"I'm grateful to have him back in my life, but he doesn't need me as much anymore. I missed all the important milestones in his life, like his first words, when he started to walk. I missed everything." He pauses his traces on my stomach, looking deep in thought. "I want to experience it all. I want a second chance of being a better dad."

"I want to be a mum one day. I want to make them feel loved and appreciated, I want to give them all the things I couldn't have." I admit and Xavier's gaze softens.

"I think you'd be an amazing mother." His voice deepens and his eyes glaze over with lust. "One day, mmm?" He hums, and I nod my head, lacing our fingers together.

•••

Xavier won't let me leave his sight. I thought he was overly protective before, but this is a whole other level.

"I'm going to have a shower before bed," I announce to Xavier who sits on the side of our bed, staring at the ground beneath his feet. "Join me." I'm being bold. This is the first time we'll be naked in front of each other for over a year. But I think we both need some type of intimacy.