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THE LETTER FROM Carl laid at her feet. His last words ever. Unspoken but written words. Ella was terrified that once she opened his letter he would be gone forever. . . and she would forget himlike how she forgot her own mother's voice. She missed him and it'd only been a day since they buried him at the church. And the unopened letter just made her miss him more. How was it another person so important to her was gone? Was she some type of joke to whatever sat in the next world above? She was so sad all the time. She was tired of it. If anything, death made her angry now. But she knew that would be a lie.
It was hard hearing Judith ask where Carl was. She didn't understand he was dead. That he wasn't coming to join them at the Hilltop. He would forever be stuck at Alexandria. And Judith had no idea why. Rick tried to explain it to her, she wouldn't hear any of it. She wouldn't listen to his words. She just repeated her question about Carl's whereabouts.
Ella picked up the letter. Carl's handwriting was sloppy. She could tell just by looking at how he wrote her name. Everyone's handwriting was crap nowadays though unless they were born in the nineteen-fifties. His never evolved from that elementary school level handwriting. He never got the chance to improve it in middle or high school like the rest of them did. It dawned on her that Judith wouldn't even get the chance to learn how to write unless they found true peace. Meaning no undead accidents and no evil people trying to blow them apart to steal their resources.
Her brain started screaming at her to stop stalling and to open the letter. Yet her body wouldn't move. Not even an inch. She was frozen in place. The fear of forever forgetting him, and forever losing him, gnawed at her broken heart. She closed her eyes, breathing in and out, and carefully yanked open the envelope. Her fingers found the beginning of the construction paper and pulled it out.
Her eyes opened. After ten minutes of reassurance, of course. And she read through it as slow as she possibly could.
You were ten when I was born. I remember looking at the picture they took of you holding me. I almost couldn't believe it was you. You looked so happy, smiling so hard your face was bright red. My mom told me you said I was your baby and you would say it at least twenty times a day whenever you and your mom visited for lunch when you were on a school break. But I also remember even though you thought of me as your baby, you were jealous of me. You still liked me enough, but you were jealous. Sometimes when you played with me, they were scared you would murder me. You didn't. Thankfully.
Somehow you always stole me from my mom apparently. I think she just made a silly joke about you always holding me. You dressed me up a bunch too. Usually as a mouse though. You kept dressing me up as a mouse until you turned fifteen. Oh and no I don't know how I remember looking at that picture. I only saw it once. Maybe it's because of how red your face was. Whenever I think of that picture, I always remember those pigtails with those huge beady hair ties. I always remember your smile. I always remember you held me like you would a doll. I always remember how light your hair was. It was bright blonde. How weird how something so light can turn so dark. It makes me hope Judith will experience that. That sort of excitement and happiness. I'm sure she will with you and my dad apart of her childhood. I know you'll find that sort of excitement and happiness again even if it takes you a lifetime to find it. That little girl is still inside you, you just have to find her. Someone can help you too. Someone you love. Sorry, someone you will love. I want you to feel that again. I would give my life to you a hundred timess over so you could feel it again even if it was just for one second.
