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BACK TO HILLTOP, instead of going to find Gabriel wherever he was, she went. Gerard went with her to mourn the losses of the people they learned to cherish over the few months of the apocalypse. Greeted by everyone once again through smiles and waves, Ella and Gerard headed to the graves where loved ones had been buried (unfortunately, Yasmin had not been buried at Hilltop, she was buried at Alexandria, but Gerard wanted to be there for Ella, and anyway, his friend Brandon was buried there).
She laid rest a wooden peony flower, one that Aaron carved for her to give Glenn, at his grave. Holding the picture she took of him on that disposable camera, a tear fell and stained the polaroid photo. She put the picture back where she found it.
Maggie would have been here, too, if she wasn't so busy leading the people of the Hilltop. She held that title better than Gregory ever could. The imbecile made Ella's blood boil, more than any person had. His lack of competence, courage said all there was to be said about Gregory. He wasn't even worth a thought in someone's mind. If Ella was allowed, he would have been fed to the walkers already. Maggie was making out to be a good leader and she wasn't really the leader in a sense. She had good authority over the people here. They needed that.
Ella sat on her knees with Gerard right next to her. "I lost the baby." she softly spoke. "A couple days ago, I think. I honestly don't remember how long ago it was. I wish you were there when it happened. I haven't told anyone I lost the baby. Only Maggie and Gerard know," she pondered over what else to say. "We're going to attack the Saviors. . . again. This time I think it'll be different though. I think we can get rid of them. Even if we don't and we all die then at. . . at least I will see you again. Um, there's this place called the Kingdom. The leader is called the King. You would have liked it there. It was so full of life. We would have stayed there with Daryl to protect him, maybe we would have stayed until we grew old. . . if we were lucky," she took a breath. "I've thought about converting to Christianity to believe in something with everything going on. I never thought I'd think of going to church. Amy would be so excited I believed in God. She'd probably make me a cross necklace like the one she had before the world went to shit, I guess. I hope you're proud of me, too. For, you know, staying alive."
She thought back to when Amy died. She took Amy's death the hardest. She didn't really eat. She didn't really drink water. She didn't really sleep. She was ready to let herself die, if her death would have mattered to everyone but her father. She was suicidal to say the least. The word never crossed her mind during that time because she didn't want to admit to it. She only came out of that episode when she met Beth, someone who reminded her of Amy. But she lost Beth, too. And of course, the person who was there for her most during those times. . . had died, too. The death where she didn't need him was her father's death. His death had been coming. If she would admit to that as well. She was surprised she was still here.
After she finished talking, she noticed Gerard listened to her every word, nodding after every pause. She grabbed his hand, giving him a smile. "Tell me a story of Yasmin."
His cheeks flushed bright red. "Where would I even start?" he laughed. Ella shrugged, still smiling. "Um, once I kept asking her what her favorite candy was, and probably after the thirtieth time asking, she said she liked Almond Joys. So, I got it for her. She was happy. She took a bite of the candy and spat it out on my face. She screamed so loud I thought my ears burst. She was. . . pawing at her tongue and saying it's in my mouth. I asked what it was. She told me to look at the chocolate. I did. I found it to be absolutely invested with maggots. It was the worst. I felt so bad," he laughed again. "Safe to say after that she didn't like Almond Joys anymore."
Horrified, Ella gagged. "That's fucking disgusting. Why was that story the first one you could think of?"
"Because it was one of the most funniest moments in my entire life."
"Wasn't funny for her, I'm sure."
He shrugged. "At the time, no," he picked up Glenn's watch. "Give me a story about Glenn."
Ella thought back to a better time. It wasn't much better than this, they had lost the farm not long before. That was around the time this moment happened. "We went on a scouting run together. By ourselves. We made sure it would be safe for everyone and for us before we decided to go down to this lake nearby. We decided to swim in it. I remember him grabbing me, it was an intimate moment and all I could do was push him under the water and swim away as fast as I could. We played in that water for hours! We were so embarrassed when we got back by nightfall. We did lie about there being trouble." she grinned, her almost black eyes shining. "It doesn't seem like a good memory, but it was. To me."
And it was true. Glenn Rhee meant so much and more to her. The universe couldn't even deny it either.
Gerard put his hand around her shoulder, squeezing it hard. He didn't have to say what was on his mind. His eyes spoke volumes. I'm sorry.
Ella tore her gaze away from the marked graves. Already, her and Gerard had been through so much together. A man she knew no more than a little over three months. He somehow knew the secret she was keeping from everyone else, excluding Maggie. He saw the trauma she went through that night. He helped her through it. Even when Yasmin died, he made sure she was okay after seeing her crumpled on the ground for he knew what she thought just from the look on her face. Almost the same look she had when Glenn died. He understood her pain.
She looked at him sideways. "Is it so bad to not tell the people you've known for so long that. . . you lost your dead husband's baby?"
He drew her into a hug. They needed the hug, both of them. His embrace was warm. It filled the coldness inside up. "No. You owe them nothing," he breathed in deeply. "The baby you carried was more yours than it was his." he whispered. It was the truth. The baby was in her womb. The baby would have grown in her womb. Glenn had only but one part in the making of the baby; his sperm. But the truth in that aspect hurt.
Tears warmed her cheeks. He pulled away to brush them away with his thumbs. She was pleased she could call him friend. Someday, a best friend. It was weird though to be as close as they were already. Her bleary eyes watched as he concentrated on brushing those tears away. She held onto his wrists as he wiped her face, more just came out. Him caring for her like this simply reminded her of her Glenn. She feared he could sense the . "I'm sorry." he said.
"Thank you." she didn't try to ask him why he was sorry nor tell him he was okay. She liked the memory of Glenn from that little action.
Neither of them noticed how late it was getting. The sky was a beautiful maroon. That meant the sun was setting. She took in the precious moment of one of the few remaining beautiful things in the world. With all the cursed fighting and such, there was never a moment of peace. If she could be the sun. . . she would always want to set to show the world the colors to make them feel happiness every once in a while.
AN; tell me why when i hit like 1300 words, i go to preview it to see how many pages there are and its only FIVE PAGES. like what? what bs. well hopefully you enjoyed the little filler i gave out after a month. the next chapter will be better. promise.
