Repeating Apologies (A Johnnie Guilbert Fic)

Bonus Chapter: Forever and Never

"So here's my honest opinion, I think we're way past forgiveness. To make up now is a sin, so let me say it again. How could you expect a boy like me, to ever stand a chance against a girl like you? But don't give up on me just yet."

*Johnnie's POV*

I've been sitting here for the past 2 hours. It's already dark out. But I feel too numb to even move. Too much regret to even think straight. I had so many chances to tell her, and I blew it. She knows. Well sort of knows. Either way, I hate seeing her upset. The last thing I want is for this to go to shit again. I lost her once, I'm not going to lose her again. There's one thing that's still bothering though. I take my phone out of my pocket and look through it. I find the number I'm looking for and call it. It's ringing.

"Hello?"

"Hey...it's me."

"Thought you'd never call again."

"Yeah well, I have something to say."

"Go on."

"Why did you tell her? Do you hate me that much that you had to fucking tell her? You said you wouldn't say anything! Like what the fuck Clover!"

"Listen, you were the one that promised that you weren't going to keep your problems bottled up anymore. I did it for you own good."

"What do you mean my own good?"

"Cause I know you Johnnie. You were just going to stall. You've been doing it this whole time. And honestly, you need to stop."

"Why do you even care?"

"I don't. But Skye does."

I'm taken aback by what she just said.

"Think about it, do you really want Skye to go through the same stress I had to go through? Remember when I couldn't help you? Do you think she'll be able to help if you don't tell her what's going on with you?"

I shake my head. I've been keeping this to myself for a while, out of fear. Fear that people will see me differently. See me as a weak. I help so many people online on a daily that I've forgotten that I need help. I've kept this to myself for so long, facing the world each day with a fake smile. Kept it from everybody I cared about. It got to a point where I felt the need to move to a different state to avoid people seeing me slowly crack. Slowly sink back into depression. It helped for a while, but when I went back home for a while, I finally cracked. Cracked in front of Clover and she had no idea how to help. I was taken to a hospital after that and once I got out, I went to see a therapist. Clover was there to help up until I was ready to go back to Nebraska. She didn't like that too much cause she didn't think I was ready. She did tell me to promise to not keep this from anyone anymore. And so when I went back, I told Bryan what had happened. He dedicated his time to help me focus more on postive things, like making videos, and help me calm down whenever I was on the verge of cracking. He still does to this day. But even with Bryan's constant help and support, I can't help but feel like I'm going insane at times. I feel like I'm under a lot of pressure to keep my viewers happy. I love to keep them happy. So much I feel like I need to give them everything and more. That's when I forget that I'm just a kid who can't give them the world. I stress myself too much, I overwork myself, I get sad, I get angry, I lose it at times and I can't help it. There's days when I'm this cheerful, care-free guy...and then there's days when I lock myself in my room all day and can't help but feel negative and depressed. I hate that part of me, but I have to live with it. I have to learn to live with it. It scares me at times. I'm scared of what I'm capable of when I'm at my lowest. Afraid to let anyone see me like this. Which is why I always kept that part of me to myself.