Repeating Apologies (A Johnnie Guilbert Fic)

Final Chapter: Repeating Apologies

"Why do I deny the heart that's grown colder. Too quick to criticize the lullaby."

I look at the mirror, making sure my hair and makeup is okay. Today's the day: graduation. The day I've been looking forward to...or at least was. I don't know. Everything seems surreal. Today I graduate, tomorrow I start my journey in the real world. I registered for summer classes at MICA to earn some extra credits. And not because I want to transfer to CalArts as soon as possible because I'm over that reason. I have no rush anymore. Another thing that I've been thinking about. Am I sure that CalArts is the right school for me? Sure I love it and all, but am I ready for all of it? Moving away from my family across the country for school? At first I really didn't think about it, but now thinking about it is kinda freaking me out. What if I'm not good enough? What if I fail? And have to move back home because I couldn't handle all of it? I really didn't think all of this through, at first I was only doing it to be closer to Johnnie, but since we haven't really talked...I don't know if I want to go through with it anymore. Ever since prom we slowly drifted apart. He was busy doing his thing while I was busy getting ready for my future. I even deleted the Twitter I made to be more focused on myself and getting ready for graduation. I really didn't care anymore, what he did with his life was his business. And what I did with mine, was my own business. I didn't even mention to him that I flew to San Jose last week for my friends' graduation. It wouldn't even matter cause I knew he wasn't going to be around anyways. This doesn't bother me anymore. I was okay because I knew he was okay. I told him that whenever he needed me to just give me a call, I told him I would do the same too. But we haven't. Which only means that we're both doing okay. And I was. I hear a knock on my door.

"Come in."

Mark walks in, already dressed for my graduation ceremony. "Hey. Your mom wants pictures before you head off to the stadium. Ready?"

"Y-Yeah. I'll be down in a bit." I grab my cap and gown from my bed and walk towards the door. Mark stops me.

"Hold up. Something's up." He points to the bed. "Sit." Mark always knew when something was wrong with anybody. It's like a special talent of his. I sit on my bed while Mark pulls up a chair and sits in front of me. "What's up? It's graduation! You should be happy and smiling that you finally made it through high school and all the drama and crap!"

"I know. But...I was just thinking." I sigh. "I don't think I'm ready. What if I'm not good enough? I feel like it was a mistake applying to school so far from you guys. I..I don't know if I want to go anymore."

He puts his hand on my shoulder. "Correct me if I'm wrong, when you applied to CalArts did you do it for Johnnie or for yourself?"

I stay quiet. I..I don't know how to respond to that. How..did he know.

"It's okay Skye. We all do crazy things when we're in love. I know I did." He softly smiles to me. "But forget why you did it in the first place. Sometimes it's good to get away, to experience new things. Even if you have to be away from your family for a while." He gets up from the chair and sits next to me. "Now ask yourself again, did you apply to CalArts to become the best artist you can be, be close to your best friend Blake, and take a risk in experiencing new things? Or did you do all of it for a boy?"

"I..I did like the school. Everybody was so nice and it makes it better that Blake is going too. I guess Johnnie was just an added bonus."

He puts his arm around me. "It's okay to be afraid kiddo. I mean I was afraid too when I decided to move out here to open my own shop. But at the end of it all, it was all worth it. Especially since I got you, the twins, and your mom out of all this. Taking a risk always leads to something good in the end. Nothing in life is ever easy. And no matter what, you'll always have a home to come back to. Whether you end up failing or not, we'll be here waiting for you when you get back."