Addicted (Dylan O'Brien)

Chapter 32

Dylan's POV:

My mind feel fuzzy once I take another long gulp from the dark glass bottle. I can't even remember the last time I drank, hell I don't even think I've ever been drunk. My throat burns with every drink I take, my stomach on fire as the dark liquid hits it hard. My mind is screaming for me to stop but I can't... I just fucking can't.

She deserves to know!

I squeeze my eyes tightly closed taking another swig of the liquor and cough it down. I've never been a drinker. In fact, I told myself I'd never get fucking wasted. I only drank too much once, and I hated myself for it. It was like i had slipped into becoming the one thing, the one person I despise. To allow yourself to become so belligerent drunk you loose you're control and become something destructive. You hurt people, people you claim to fucking care for! Anger seeps through my drunken haze as I picture Skylar earlier, the tears that filled her storming eyes so full of emotions yet I felt myself closing everything off. My hand shakes from anger as I think of her tears, the tears I put there. The pain that seemed to choke the life that burned in her eyes, I felt every once of it burning in my veins. Yet I couldn't move, it was like for the first time something scared the living shit out of me. Feeling for her, having sympathy for her and wanting to pull her into me to comfort her, that would mean allowing all the emotions I've shut out to come flooding back in.

The swarming emotions that have been suffocating me since the day I've met her, threaten to bring me under the surface yet again. I grip the bottle tightly, feeling the newly scabbed skin on my knuckles threatening to rip open again. I want to punch something. To channel all the emotions into anger, to let it win again. Slamming my knuckles against a solid surface till that pain swallowed this feeling whole, till everything went numb and the blackness takes over me. The blackness I've run from for so long, I welcome it now.

Skylar is threatening everything I've built, threatening to tear it all down, to burn it right to the ground with the fire I see every time she speaks to me. Fuck, it's terrifying. To see that fire, a passion in those innocent blue eyes of hers and it's direct towards me. She fights, she doesn't give into me like every other girl I've fucked before who so easily lay down and take it. No, Skylar fucking stands there and challenges everything I know. The fire consuming her, it's like she lets her emotions run wild and free, and to me... hell that's fucking brave.

I can't even think of Skylar without my heart racing and my stomach tying itself in fucking knots. A feeling I've never allowed myself to feel, something I fucking run from. Having emotions means being close to someone, and because close to someone puts them in danger. Yet here I am sitting in the parking lot of her damn dorm building drowning myself in whiskey as I war with myself on what to do. My head falls back against the seat, I feel like every movement I make is in slow motion. She wants me to walk away, to leave her be, but I can't fucking do that. It's like every part of myself is drawn towards her, aching to touch her again. To be close with her again, and to feel the warmth of her skin against my own. God, I sound like such a pussy thinking all of this.

My mind plays over what she said hours earlier, how what happened between us meant something to her, and accused me it meant nothing to me. That isn't true, I wish to God it was, but it's the furthest thing. She doesn't get it, I don't do what I did with her. I usually don't give a fuck whether or not the girl gets off, if I get my release, my escape, I'm happy. Yet with Skylar, that thought never crossed my screwed up mind.

I close my eyes and remember that night perfectly, the way her blue eyes stared at me wide with innocence and burning with passion as she laid beneath me. It took every fucking once of strength I had not to rip my own clothing off and to bury myself deep inside her. To feel her tight walls tense around me with every movement. But I forced myself to have self control, no matter how badly I wanted to please her till she fucking screamed my name.