fallingforyou - Matty Healy. pt 1

"Help"

We spend the rest of the night chit chatting and William drops Matty off at his hotel.

"Thanks for coming Matty" I smile out the window and wave as William drives away.

"Tonight was good" William smiles and smirks at me.

"Mattys actually a really nice guy. I was expecting an asshole. It's refreshing actually" he says earning a whack on the arm. He always makes me reflect on my past, he says its so I can learn and not repeat my mistakes. I object.

He drops me off at my apartment, heavy thoughts now in my mind.

Despite already being drunk I go straight to my liquor cupboard and browse the selection.

I plug my phone into my amazing surround sound system, it's amazing. I play the weekend and drink red wine.

My mind starts to wonder to dark places. I think about my past relationship with some dick named Chad.

I remember how he literally treated me like a piece of shit, he was both physically and emotionally abusive and damaging, but if there's one emotion that can overcome pain and fear. It's love.

I remember how Harry saved me from that time, he treated me with respect and kindness and it was beautiful, but my idea of love was so demented because of that relationship, I didn't know I was in love.

The only thing that made me realise that was when Gigi straight up told me. 'Tessa, you know how you feel. You describe it to me everyday. You're in love'

It snapped me out of my stupidity and made me realise love came in different forms, love of an object, a person. I realised how I loved my cousin, but I didn't like him. I didn't like being around him but still loved him.

My thoughts are becoming uncontrollably dark, it pains me to even think them but I can't stop.

I fill up my glass again. I change my music playlist to my breakup songs, they drown out my thoughts for a while and I sit cross legged and stare out the window.

I see Matty's hand writing his name in the fog on the windows, I shake my head furiously and rub it away but it doesn't leave.

I rock back and forth and sob a little.

"You piece of shit, pick yourself up. Go to Luca. Help" I tell myself and nod.

I drag myself up and unlock my door, I walk over to Lucas apartment and knock softly on the door.

"Luca, please" I plead for him to open the door. I knock again, and again. But he doesn't answer.

My heart breaks and I slide down the wall outside of his apartment. Out of all people to ignore me, my Luca.

I sigh loudly and pick myself up, "stronger than diamonds, sleeker than diamonds, as desirable as diamonds" I say and walk back to my apartment.

I scream as I enter my apartment and turn to the window again. I sit at the window and chew at my fingers.

Before I know what I'm doing I'm dialling the only person I could imagine for help.