Broken-an Ed Sheeran fan fiction

Chapter 19

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My heart stopped. I don't know what I he was going to do. I had assumed he would hurt me, in one way or another, but he told me he loved me. That wasn't how it worked. You were supposed to be punished for being stupid, not rewarded. 

Though I'm sure its another chapter in his long list of lies he had planned to use on me when i was upset. 

But love. That was such a strong word. 

And him. Everything about him in that moment seemed so real. His eyes were glassy from tears, making the blue inside them shine in the most heart breaking way possible. His hair was a mess from running his fingers through it numerous times. His lips didn't show any hint of a smile. His fingers held my chin up. Just held. They didn't grip around my neck or pose a threat to me in any way. The rest of his body was shaking ever so slightly, in what seemed like out of fear.

I was torn. I had to keep my guard up. This was all just a lie. Though here he was. Telling me he loved me.  Of course I wanted to love him back. I wanted a real romance where I didn't have to worry about saying the wrong thing and risking getting hurt. I wanted someone to kiss me goodnight and tell me I wasn't a worthless slut. I wanted that more than words could explain. 

I couldn't let what I wanted overshine what had to be the truth: Ed just felt bad for me.

It had to be the truth, right? Ed could have any girl he wanted, he had tons of fans that would marry him without question. Tons of people we knew, people better and prettier than me. People who actually had a clue what they were doing. People who could love him wihtout screwing up his life with thier crazy antics. Ed could never love someone like me, and I wouldn't want him to. I wanted him to find someon who could give him everything he needed. I wanted Ed to be with someone who could actually love him without being so scared of everything that was happening. I mean just look at me. I was a mess. Only a few minutes ago I would of been fine with dying and Ed said these three stupid words to me and suddenly I wanted to be loved again. I felt like I was worth loving for a split second. i felt like I actually had the power to move on. 

And now? Now I didn't know. The fact of the matter was I did love Ed, but i couldn't, because I know he would hurt me if I did. I couldn't let that happen. 

What was I supposed to tell him? I couldn't tell him I loved him, because I knew he really didn't love me. But I couldn't tell him I didn't love him because he really could love me and everything would be ruined. 

Everything was just happening so fast. I wanted to sleep forever so I didn't have to think about this. I wanted to be loved but the risk was too much for me to handle. Everything was too much for me too handle right now. 

Why couldn't Liam have just hit me?! 

No. No I shouldn't think like that. 

Though it would of been easier.

I felt my breath getting shorter due to panic. I was getting light headed. My knees went weak and everything went black.