I love my family. I honestly do. But as I sat watching them laugh, joke, and engage in in conversation, I found myself wondering if they would notice if I left. I stood up with my plate full of food, threw the food in the trash and put my empty plate in the dishwasher after washing it off. I look over at my family to see them still laughing happily; my frown deepens. I walk over to the stairs and see that none of them have so much as glance my way. None of them even flinched or glanced my way as I left the kitchen. Who am I kidding? They wouldn't care if I walked away. They wouldn't care if I disappeared. Nobody would.
I looked away and made my way slowly up the stairs. Each step that I took, it felt like my legs got more and more weak. My legs were slowly giving out on me, just as the rest of my body was. My body was shaking and was weak by the time I was at the top of the stairs. I reached my room and immediately fall onto my bed. I let my arms and legs go completely limp. I looked up at the ceiling and felt the sadness fall over me. It fell like a warm blanket, inviting me to stay a while. Forever, maybe.
Thoughts bombarded my head with ideas of running away. Obviously nobody would care. I stare up at the ceiling as my mind floats away. I wish I could get out of this place. Out of this house, this town, this world. I shake my head at my thoughts. Am I ever going to get better? Will I ever be happy? Why do I feel like this? Feelings are so stupid.
I squeeze my eyes shut as the pain in my chest becomes unbearable. I feel a sudden sharp pain in my ribs, and grab at my skin. It turns to a dull ache and moves it way to my heart. It settles there. I sit up and look around my room at the pictures of people I've seen and places I've been. I look so happy. What happened, why am I so unhappy now?
I shut my eyes again as I feel tears rising. Why am I so fucking unhappy? Why don't I want to be here any longer? I rub my eyes heavily, but it doesn't stop the tears from falling. My bottom lip trembles and I look down at my lap. "Fuck," I mumble to myself. "Fucking God damn it!" I say louder. I turn around on my bed and punch it. I start repeatedly punching and hitting my bed, until my cries start getting too loud. I cup my hand over my mouth and my other arm around my stomach and cry hard into my hand. I fall down on my bed and bang my head against my pillow.
"Oh hey, sweetie. He's upstairs." I hear as I uselessly wipe tears from my eyes. Footsteps come bounding up the stairs and throughout the house, and I wipe my eyes quickly as I realize whoever is coming to me. My door opens and I look up at him standing frozen in the doorway. I look up at him with watery eyes and his excited face face melts into a sad one. "Baby," He says softly. He frowns deeply and walks over to me with his arms stretched out.
He sits down next to me and hugs me tightly. I lean my head on his shoulder and cry lightly into his shoulder. "I don't belong here. They don't need me, nobody needs me. Nobody wants me." I cry out. He turns his head slightly and kisses my hair. "I need and want you here."
"I'm sorry," I sit up and wipe my eyes. "I'm sorry, you don't want to see me like this." He shakes his head. "Baby, if anything, I want to be here when you do break. I want to be here to hold you." I look up into his eyes and sadness latches onto my heart. I feel like I'm under water and I'm being drowned. The sadness is dragging pass a point of no return. Tonight I'm drowning in a sea sadness.
"There will be days when your heart doesn't want to beat. When you pray more than you breathe. When you just wanna fall to pieces." He says. "Break on me. Shatter like glass. Come apart in my hands. Take as long as you need, just break on me." He lets go of me and lays back in my bed. "Lay your head on my chest, let me help you forget."
I dig my head into his chest and grip onto his shirt as tears fall like a waterfall. He rubs my back and whispers to me. "Break on me,"
